I am home sick with a cold today which probably works out to be a good thing I was supposed to run 16k, attend a 90th Birthday party for my Grandmother and help out at a Church function this evening. Now I sit in my pj's drinking a latte and contemplating my life.
A sledgehammer moment is when something hits you so hard that you know it to be true. I have had several of those lately, things I want to deny or push away, changes I need to make that just seem like Mount Everest would be easier to climb.
Yesterday I had a huge sledgehammer moment and I can't help but want to hide from it. Fear grips my belly as I think about making changes so big.
I am not one to back down from a new challenge I have lived my life trying new things, I have parachuted, cliff dived, kayaked down rapids, started new businesses, left a marriage and more. Most of these involved a huge amount fear, fear that I was able overcome usually at the last moment.
I remember parachuting, it was my first time in a plane, I was sitting on the edge of the plane, my feet dangling into the wide open sky, the wind was so strong I had to hold tight to the edge of the door to resist being blown into the door frame. I was terrified and wondering if I was going to be able to jump. Then I heard the words...jumper number one jump....with a push and a scream I dove out of the plane, a pull cord opened my parachute after several seconds but in those moments just before it opened there was a sense of peace that I had never before experienced, I have never forgotten that sensation of floating of being one with the sky.
I remember parachuting, it was my first time in a plane, I was sitting on the edge of the plane, my feet dangling into the wide open sky, the wind was so strong I had to hold tight to the edge of the door to resist being blown into the door frame. I was terrified and wondering if I was going to be able to jump. Then I heard the words...jumper number one jump....with a push and a scream I dove out of the plane, a pull cord opened my parachute after several seconds but in those moments just before it opened there was a sense of peace that I had never before experienced, I have never forgotten that sensation of floating of being one with the sky.
Years ago I used to listen to a spiritual teacher called Marianne Williamson, in my early days of changing myself as a person, her tapes guided and grounded me, I would listen to them while on the road to sales calls. She would say " would you rather live with the sharp pain of change or the dull regret of not changing". Truly I could live the rest of my life as it is right now, I am not unhappy, in fact I am quite happy I just know that there are changes required.
So this morning I am thinking about the steps it will take to make this change and planning that as well. Small steps to lead to big change.
Making changes required a large degree of faith, faith that things will work out know matter what.
14 years ago this June I left my first husband, I could have stayed, I was not too unhappy, I had a great family and friends and a wonderful daughter, I still have these people in my life today. I just knew deep down that this marriage wasn't right for me. Shortly after I left him I felt sorry for myself because my marriage didn't work out. Then I overheard a conversation and had a sledgehammer moment, this woman said that once you make a choice it is up to you to make it the right choice. So in that moment I decided to make my divorce the right decision, it was not easy, I took up mountain biking and did a few things just for me. Soon I met my current husband and was swept into a new life with his family.
Today I see how that decision was so right for not only me but for my ex husband, I see how happy he is and I feel so glad for him. Our daughter laughs at the thought of us ever having been a couple she can't see that we have anything in common.
But in planning change today I will approach it in a more adult way, thinking of the 4 aims of life,
Artha (Prosperity), Dharma (Duty), Moksa (Freedom) and Kama (Pleasure) I will try to keep these in balance.
One day I was talking to my mother I was impatient because my newly planted bulbs were not yet showing above ground yet, she said to me "the roots go down before the flowers grow". This small saying I have repeated to myself over and over again for years. I have quoted it and used it during speaking engagements, change/new growth can be happening very deeply before it appears for the world.
So this morning I am thinking about the steps it will take to make this change and planning that as well. Small steps to lead to big change.
Making changes required a large degree of faith, faith that things will work out know matter what.
14 years ago this June I left my first husband, I could have stayed, I was not too unhappy, I had a great family and friends and a wonderful daughter, I still have these people in my life today. I just knew deep down that this marriage wasn't right for me. Shortly after I left him I felt sorry for myself because my marriage didn't work out. Then I overheard a conversation and had a sledgehammer moment, this woman said that once you make a choice it is up to you to make it the right choice. So in that moment I decided to make my divorce the right decision, it was not easy, I took up mountain biking and did a few things just for me. Soon I met my current husband and was swept into a new life with his family.
Today I see how that decision was so right for not only me but for my ex husband, I see how happy he is and I feel so glad for him. Our daughter laughs at the thought of us ever having been a couple she can't see that we have anything in common.
But in planning change today I will approach it in a more adult way, thinking of the 4 aims of life,
Artha (Prosperity), Dharma (Duty), Moksa (Freedom) and Kama (Pleasure) I will try to keep these in balance.
One day I was talking to my mother I was impatient because my newly planted bulbs were not yet showing above ground yet, she said to me "the roots go down before the flowers grow". This small saying I have repeated to myself over and over again for years. I have quoted it and used it during speaking engagements, change/new growth can be happening very deeply before it appears for the world.
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