A Single Hair

One day I was washing my husband’s hair in the sink and as he stood up a single hair fell and landed on his glasses. We looked into each other’s eyes until the tears in mine made me turn away. My husband was too sick to shower as he had started chemo and was recovering from colon surgery.

That single hair was the beginning of him losing maybe a third of his hair, he was grateful he didn’t lose it all. It also represented in that moment the beginning of a journey into cancer treatment. So in that single hair was the message that all we had was that day, and that each day is a gift so worrying or fretting about an unknown future would take away from the day.

A single snowflake signals the coming of winter and a single Robin can signify the coming of spring.

In that single hair was also the message of change; our life together was going to be different.

A single word such as sorry can change a relationship.

A single a hug can show someone you care deeply.

A single person can change our world; just think of Rosa Parks or Gandhi.

Sometimes in a single moment we realize that our path must change that we are not happy.

A single decision makes no change, but a single action on that decision can change your life.

Sometimes a single harsh word can damage a relationship for awhile or even a lifetime, be cautious of your words.

That single hair reminded me of how much I loved my husband.

It is said that a single drink is all it takes for some people to be unable to stop. I know a single cigarette would release in me that addiction.

A single sperm meeting an egg creates the body for a soul to be reborn.

Last night my husband reached out and caressed my thigh and in that single moment I felt his love expressed physically.

A single yoga class can open the door to freedom, it did for me.

It is said that a single step starts a journey. Just ask Ray Zahad, a Canadian runner who ran across the Sahara Desert the importance of a single step. He is changing the world.

A single choice to forgive sets you free .

We often think more is better, yet everything starts with a single action or thought.

A single action of surrender opens you up to the grace of the universe.

Last night I sat on the couch talking to husband, tomorrow he starts chemo again, and in that single moment I prayed for the strength to be there for him.

Most trees begin with a single taproot, just as we as souls are connected to a divine source.

A single man with cancer, Terry Fox, can influence the lives of Canadian children for decades.

A single day is all we really have so never take it for granted, say I love you, say I’m sorry, be the best possible person you can be. 

Today I am grateful for........

"Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses."

  Alphonse Karr

Thanksgiving is one of my all time favorite holidays, for years I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, I'm not really sure why, it was just another day off for me. Then, when I started dating Frank we began blending our families and the traditional Thanksgiving dinner was born in my home.

When Frank and I first started celebrating Thanksgiving it would be Frank and I, my daughter Margaux and his two younger boys, Ben and Jacob. We would put a turkey in the oven then head to the Seaton trail for a hike. Upon our return I would cook the vegetables. I make amazing mashed potatoes and over the years I taught my daughter how to whip them just so, and it is now her job to mash the potatoes.  Over the years our thanksgiving celebration grew to include Franks 3 older children, Brian, Lianne and Lori, their partners and over time their children.

For several years we lived beside an apple orchard so we with the permission of our neighbor Steve we could gather fallen apples for fresh apple crisp, this too is Margaux's specialty, she makes one for us almost every Thanksgiving. Lianne now brings the turkey and all the fixings so our meal comes together through the efforts of all of our family.

My Grandma Rena, who is still alive at the age of 93, is a quilter. Over the years she would save worn shirts, clothing, and pieces of fabric. She would sew them together to create patch work quilts. I loved these quilts which sometimes would have pieces of my Grandpa Sam's old checkered shirts in them.  I like to compare our family to one of her quilts; we have  been patched together with love and time. I am Frank's 3^rd wife and he had children with his 2 previous wives. Margaux is my daughter from my first marriage. Some of the older children have remarried or separated. Yet within our family there is so much love that it's hard to believe we came together through the hardships of divorce. Over the years, lines of separation have fallen to the wayside and we have become stitched together with love and respect. I couldn't imagine my life without Frank's kids; they have brought so much to my life. This past year in our family we have experienced illness and other events that would seem from the outside looking in to be catastrophic; it has been challenging (to say the least) on so many levels. We have watched some of our kids struggle with their own personal battles.

 As well, we have had to deal with Frank's ongoing battle with cancer.  And yet out of this stress has risen a stronger closer family, I grew to see my stepson Brian on a whole new level. He is an amazing father. My stepdaughter Lianne has been a rock for her father. Lori in her own quiet way has been dealing with her own health issues not wanting to bother her father. Franks son Jacob and his partner Jenny have been a godsend to the family moving from Scarborough to Brooklin to help out. Then of course there is my daughter Margaux, she has been there for me during the scary days at the hospital waiting for Frank to come out of surgery, she has been there for Brian helping him with his children. She tells me all the time how grateful she is that I married Frank and how much she loves him, her step brothers, step sisters and her nieces and nephews.

 "If the only prayer you said was thank you, that would be enough."
  Meister Eckhart

You see change does work out, I write about change all the time and having the courage to follow your heart. While I did just that, I fell in love with Frank and followed my heart. I thought about the risk, past failed marriages, kids, a 14 year age difference. But I believe in real love and that love conquers all and that in all my actions if I personally put love first there is always a way. I don't need flowers or false words; I value family, respect and integrity. There were times that our relationship was hard, but the quiet whispers in my heart would tell me to keep trying to find a way to make it work, that love was the answer and that love was not always fireworks and flowers.

So Thanksgiving is the first holiday that Frank and I celebrated as a couple and it was the beginning of our amazing family, where we created new traditions and where our children could come home and see happy parents, who love each other.

One of the things we do at Thanksgiving dinner (which our kids used to hate), is we go around the table and say one thing we are grateful for, in the early days it was often things like South Park, the mashed potatoes' or Nintendo. But our kids have grown now and with it their gratitude has changed. While we still get some pretty funny comments, there are always some that are so deep my eyes well up with tears. I feel so blessed to be Mom/Stepmom/Grandma to these amazing souls.

So this year as always I am grateful for my family, during tough times they have all shown true love and strength. I am grateful for Frank, he taught me so much about myself, through his love and patience I have become a better person. I am grateful for his wonderful oncology team, the doctors and nurses who have shown him compassion beyond what I could have ever imagined. I am grateful we took the chance and moved to Brooklin, this business, this town, these have been some of the best years of our lives. My staff is amazing without them I don't know how I could have coped. I could never forget to mention our close friends Bill, Charlie, Doug and Paul, these men have personally gone out of their way to support Frank and I during his illness, .But most of all I am grateful for the last 18 years with Frank the ups, downs, twists and turns are something I would never change, looking back over the years he has been my friend, lover, teacher, mentor, partner and husband. Our relationship reminds me of the trails I love to run on, there have been breathtaking highs, some lows, some challenging rocky areas and times where the beauty made it all worth while.  

At night I lie in bed and before I go to sleep I say thank you for the day, no matter what. This is not always easy these days and sometimes tears flow down my checks as the fear of Franks illness creeps into my mind, but I try to stay grateful that our souls came together and the MacKinnon-Nicholson families blended. Each day we are reborn with a chance to make new changes. So in each day we can start over, have hope and know that in the end all we only have this day.  

 

 

If I had Super Powers

 This blog is for you our family and friends. It’s for those of you who want to ask but are afraid to say the wrong thing, or perhaps feel you may be crossing a boundary. We’ve not kept it a secret, our lives have been stressful lately. Frank has cancer. He had cancer, we thought it was cured, but in spite of surgery followed by 8 months of chemo, the cancer spread. It spread from his colon to his liver and lungs. He will have more surgery and more chemo and we hope that this time the cancer will be stopped.

The sun rises and with it my heart expands with gratitude that I have another day with Frank, I thank the universe for this day with him. A day we can laugh together, makes plans, see our family and interact with the many customers of our studio who have becomes our friends. I never take a day lightly, if it can be said today, I say it; I say thank you, I say I love you, I say I am sorry, I say I miss you, I say I need you. I speak from my heart to all I meet.  The sun sets and with it I give my gratitude to the universe for the day I just had, no matter what, it was another day with Frank.

 If I had a super power I would use it to kill his cancer.  I would save my husband and banish cancer from the world forever.

If I had super power, I would fly my husband to another  planet and on that planet would be something that would heal him, perhaps a white light or special stone, or new technology that would emit an energy that would lift the cancer from him making him healthy.

If I had a super power, I would then return to earth and tell everyone about this amazing planet where cancer can be cured.

Maybe if I were a super power I would just be able to wrap my arms around Frank and make him better, a kind of super girl that kills cancer.

Perhaps my super power would be  my ability to reach in and tear the evil cancer from my husband’s body, throw it to the ground and set it on fire with my x-ray vision.

What if,  as a super power, I had the ability to make myself tiny ? I would shrink to a microscopic  size and enter my husband body, fighting off the evil cancer cells. Killing them all one by one like a spartan warrior.

But I have no super powers, so each day I draw in long slow breaths, I breathe in Prana (life force energy)  and with it comes hope; hope that all is going to be well and that no matter what the day brings, I will have the strength and most of all courage to be there for my husband, with my human powers of love, compassion and patience.

So thank you for your concern, your offers to help your prayers and your good thoughts.  I am lifted and encouraged by them,  so much of my strength comes from you. I know that if I am tired, or weary or just need a chat I am supported by a net of family, friends and community that  will catch me if I fall and that I will bounce back up, super powers or not. 

So in the end maybe superman represented that super human power we all have to do what is right no matter what, face down evil and to lift other humans up with our spirit.

More of the Same

I often blog about change, and the reason I write about change so often is because change is so frigging hard. We know we need to change, and yet the years go by and nothing changes. I was reading this book on Buddhism the other day and it mentioned an expression that resonated with me, the expression was, “more of the same”. I love little slogans and sayings that I can use in my own life, to help straighten out my thinking. One of my all time favorite saying is “this too shall pass”. But “more of the same”, it’s a good one. Type it, enlarge it and pin it to your fridge, our computer, your bathroom mirror. Add a question mark to it?

More of the same?

We all get into these habits, some good, and some bad. In fact our brain creates neural pathways that make these habits feel easy and comfortable. So to change we actually have to rewire our brain. I’ve heard that it takes about 30 days to create a new habit. A few months ago I decided to get up early before my husband and spend more time in mediation and thinking. I lasted about a week, before something came up, I missed a day and then missed the next, and soon I was right back to my old ways. More of the same! Now I have excuse of course, my husband is ill, I am working longer hours, I’m taking care of him, driving him to appointments etc... So of course I don’t need to change. But in the end they are just my excuses. Time is something we make.

Ask yourself this, are you exactly where you want to be a year from now? Or, ask yourself this, a year ago did you think you would still be here? Or, did you imagine yourself fitter, maybe thinner, happier perhaps? I love the women I run with, the reason is, they take on challenges, they feel fear, but they literally run through their fears.  They are stronger runners and have more confidence this year than they did last year, they have grown mentally through their dedication to goal setting and training for races. They all have busy lives, kids, jobs that take them out of the country and more. 

Life has a way of moving along and soon we look in the mirror and realize we are older sometimes we think it’s too late to change but it’s never too late. This week I was inspired by this story of the 64 year old woman who swam from Cuba to Florida without a shark tank. It was her fifth attempt, she started working on her goal in 1978 (25 years ago) and it took her 46 hours to complete. 

As she came out of the water she spoke these words of advice.

 "One is we should never, ever give up.

Two is you never are too old to chase your dreams.

Three is it looks like a solitary sport, but it's a team," 

She inspired me to contact someone to discuss a goal I have, one that I thought I would be closer too but that I realized I needed help to achieve. I am excited to have brought this goal forward again. Reading her success story coincided with an epiphany I had while running alone in the trails on Sunday. I received a clear message about the direction my life needed to take.

Change is hard, and when I think about the past changes I have made in my life, rarely have I made significant changes on my own, I have had tons of help. I have used personal trainers, run coaches, spiritual directors, pastors, friends, employers and more to help me on the journey. These  people had faith in me before I did, they were people who said “you can do it” or pushed me just hard enough that I kept going and growing. I am so thankful for these people and most of them are not in my life right now. As the old saying goes; people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Lately I have being thinking a lot about a boss I had years ago, I am never really sure how he put up with me. I was young for my age emotionally, new to business and made so many mistakes, some big, some small. I overreacted at times, I cried in his office and I couldn’t write a business letter for about 3 years. In fact, I still remember the day he read one of my letters and said “it’s good”, I felt like I had reached a new level. I was passionate about him, I thought him brilliant and when I sold for his company, I sold him. I loved him, not in a sexual way, but in the way you love your mentor. Looking back I see he showed me showed great compassion,  he had tons of patience and I learned so much from him. When I left that company I grieved the loss of that relationship for years. He was in my life for a season. I will always think of him as one of my greatest teachers.

Years ago I wanted to leave my first husband, I was afraid of making that move, so I went for counseling, after about 6 months I gained the courage to  make that change. The counseling helped me to see that my fears were unfounded. I was totally capable of looking after myself. In fact I was looking after myself, my daughter, my household, my husband, my career, I was in school. I could do a lot. My  counseling ended I left my husband and opened the door to a whole new life. My counselor was in my life for a reason.

Another person that really helped (s) me is my spiritual director; he is crusty and honest and cuts through all my bullshit. Sometimes when I talk to him I think holy cow is this guy physic? I call him and start talking and soon he is responding and telling me what I need to hear. He amazes me and helps me to be totally honest with myself, no justifications are allowed. He has been in my life 8 years now. I love him and best of all I know he loves me; I hear it in his voice and through his words. For me love is such a great motivator.

Through the years, I have had a team of great people who have guided me to lasting changes, I don’t think we are meant to be alone, we are hard wired to need people and so often we fail because we don’t reach out for the help we need. Or, when we do reach out we reach out to friends who care about us but can’t really help us, or we reach out to friends who are stuck where we are, there is comfort in being stuck with others.

Sometimes we give up too soon, next time you are about to give up, ask yourself this? Have I been trying for 25 years, have I been stung by jellyfish, threatened by sharks and lightening. Have I thrown up in the water?

So what is that you want or need to change? Where are you going? Forwards? Backwards? Are you struggling in the swamp of “more of the same”? If so, who can help you find the way? Figure it out and getting going. Invest in yourself. Life is short, ask my husband as he battles cancer one more time, how important each day is. He face more major surgery next month, he still has staples in his belly from his last surgery. Today as I write this blog he is mopping the floors. He is one of the most amazing people I know, his positive attitude and his ability to bounce back is incredible.

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” John Wayne

Years ago when I was dating my husband we would walk at Rotary Park in Ajax, in the late evenings.  I loved these walks; we would talk about life and stuff. I always knew I would marry him one day. During these walks there spot along the path where the forest was lit by fireflies, it seemed magical ti . There were probably other bugs around but these fireflies were so beautiful, I wanted to be around them, to just stand there and watch them. Find the fireflies in your life follow them; enjoy them, and maybe one day you too will light the way for others.

 

With Love,

Sheree xo

People like us

“People like us we’ve got to stick together, hold your head up, nothing lasts forever”.

Sung by Kelly Clarkson

Written by

Meghan Kabir, James Michael, Blair Daly

I just recently heard this song and felt an instant connection to the lyrics. I would imagine a lot of people do. It reminded me my childhood and how I really struggled to fit in. I felt lonely as a child. So lonely in fact that I became convinced that I must have been adopted. I felt my parents were aliens or at the very least I felt alienated from them. Over and over again I would search their bedroom looking for my adoption papers, never to find them. I would sit at the dinner table silently thinking “who are these people”?  I learned to adapt and deal with these feelings of isolation by faking things. I kind of lived like Dexter saying and doing what was right but secretly feeling like the words were empty and wondering what all the fuss was about.

 I think a lot of people feel like they don’t fit in at some point in their life, for me it was my younger years, but some people grow old feeling this way, or have a period in their life when this occurs, often it occurs during a job you really dislike. Just for the record, I no longer feel this way, I feel connected and loved and truly blessed by the many caring people I have in my life.

Maybe you are feeling this way now and if you are, you are not alone, countless people are feeling it too, but they are hiding it from you. People hide their disconnect in a variety of ways, many become overachievers, some give up, others accumulate things, some become difficult or angry people, others compensate by becoming caretakers to others, doing more for others then they do for themselves.

We hide from people because we don’t feel safe. Secretly we are afraid that people will find out we not perfect? Truthfully no one thinks you are perfect anyways, so giving up that illusion is a great step towards freedom, we see your faults and love you anyways.

 I am not naive I know we can’t truly let our walls down with everyone, but I think we need to step out from behind the walls, with some people.  I have a very small, very intimate circle of maybe 4 friends that I am completely open with, I love them, I know they love me and I feel safe in this love.  You need this too, friends who you can trust, who love you, who don’t see you as perfect but don’t really give a shit anyways. And as the song goes “people like us we’ve got to stick together”, so be that kind of friend back.

We all have a story, I have mine you have yours, and somewhere in this story we have  all experienced deep pain. An abusive childhood, the death of a parent(s) or loved ones, accidents that have left us dependent, spouses have cheated on us, the list goes on (insert your pain here). So with this in mind I think it’s important that we treat each other with greater compassion, in all situations, try to step into the other person’s shoes and look at life from their perspective. 

I know a man that hit his kids; he was an abusive father and husband. His words and fists caused great pain and damage to his family. No one could understand why this man was like this, by all outward experiences he was smart, handsome, and successful, yet he had this darkness within. Years later, he sought help and he shared with me his story. How, as child his angry father had beaten him, his siblings, and his mother. How, as a little boy he had hid in the barn for days without food, waiting for his father’s rage to subside. How he swore he would never do to his family what had happened to him, and the shame and sorrow he felt when he realized he had become his father. He lives to this day still trying to forgive himself; he is now a loving father and grandfather. He has not been forgiven by all he harmed and he lives with this knowledge. He also has seen the damage in his children, the seeds of darkness planted from one generation to the next. 

I know a woman who was a nun, left the convent, lived on the streets or Toronto, doing whatever it took to get by. Who today stands as an example of hope released from darkness, she helps others by sharing her story. There was a time when people walked over her, past her, and thought her worthless. Today she travels the world bringing rays of hope to others. These are stories of redemption but not everyone finds redemption in this life.

If I could be you, if you could be me
For just one hour
If we could find a way to get inside
Each other's mind

Elvis Presley

Where does yoga fit into all this? Each and every thing I have experienced has left an impression (samskara) on my subconscious mind these impressions cloud my thinking and often limit my life. I always compare samskaras to documents on your hard drive, you’ve deleted the file from the directory (conscious mind) and you think they are gone, but they are still there on your hard drive (subconscious mind) taking up space. So my past forms my current thinking. It’s so important then to look at the past examine it and then let it go. This happens during my consistent yoga and meditation practice, memories just float to the surface, and as they do I am able to see them, examine them, let them go, not judging them as good or bad, but rather seeing how they have affected my life.

While we can hate the actions of another person, it is best not to hate the person, hatred in the end is like an disease that eats away at us.

My wish for you is that if this is one of the times in your life that you are struggling, feeling alone, or just wondering if there is more to life, that you will realise you are not alone, we have all been there.

So I end this blog to a link to one of my favorite songs by the band Everlast, the song is called; What It’s Like. The song is full of coarse words so if this offends you don’t listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlF1qnhmq28