This Place I am In

My life has had it's ups and downs, in many ways it has been an interesting life, certainly at times it has been very difficult. My Swami would say this is my Karma, actions from this and past lives that must be purified before my soul can rest and stop the cycles of rebirth.

My minister may say that God is testing me, testing my faith as I go through difficult times. Can I stay true to my God and my belief system ?

I am never sure where I stand, I realise that most of what has happened to me is the result of my choices, choices that I made 10 years ago, 2 minutes ago and so forth.

Over the years I have changed alot and I like who I have become, that is the gift of my journey, I actually like myself. The years of eating disorders, smoking and other stuff behind me. I find myself in this peaceful place where I don't need outside stimulants as often, to make me happy. I am happy sitting quietly in my office or TV room, just breathing and being. I drive my old Saturn and I feel like I am in a Jaguar, I feel so strong and purposeful.

Last week during a conversation with my husband, he was pointing out what he thought was a flaw in me, he was doing this kindly, trying to help me understand a couple of situations.

That flaw as he saw, was my generosity, he said I needed to be less supportive, because at times, it seems like the people you help the most become your greatest foes. I said to him that true, this does happen but to turn off a very part of me that I love, would be like cutting a chunk of who I am out, I would prefer to suffer the occasional hurt, which I can overcome, than to be someone else.

You see, it is my actions that are important, not the actions of others, and realising that you can't control the results of your actions is one of the keys to happiness, you can't do good to expect a reward, or praise, sometimes in fact your good deeds will go unnoticed or unappreciated. Does this mean you stop doing them ?  I remember as a kid that we were told do good deeds that no one knew about, I can't recall the whole story, I think I was taught this in Brownies.

My spiritual director always says "Sheree just do the next right thing" and let life unfold. I love that expression, so now in this place I find myself, I plan on doing the next right thing which is to do some yoga, eat well, rest and heal.

I know that I am grateful to the many people in my life who have helped me, particular  Brian and Frank, who guide me on the path of understanding.

As I write this blog, I look forward to my next yoga retreat and a possible trip to Thailand or Mexico to continue my studies at Agama Yoga. I realise how important these trips are for me as I re energize myself.

I also came to this realization that I like being 50, it is a great age, and I am so glad the younger, insecure and often ego driven years are behind me.