Like a Bird on a Wire

For many reasons the end of the year seems to be one of great retrospection for me...my thoughts seemed to drift to the past year, over and over again....there are some things I am really proud of and some things I am not so proud of...I sometimes wonder how at my age I can still make such utterly bad choices for myself.

Part of my spiritual life is to make amends for past mistakes...a sort of clearing out of the darkness....part of it also is to honor the good choices and growth that I have experienced...it is always easier to focus on the dark rather then the light.

Last week I had lunch with a friend/vendor that I have known for a long time, we are close and he said to me that I have come full circle, that the events of the past year have taught me so much and as a result I am a better person. I wish becoming a better person wasn't so unbelievably painful. This man, Adil, had a very rough year too, for different reasons, yet over the past 6 months he has called to check in on me and has paid me commissions that I have felt I didn't deserve...I would tell him to stop paying me and he would say don't worry I budgeted for your commission, so take it. Those little commission cheques seemed show up just when I needed them. As a result of his kindness I asked him to be a supplier on a massive project I was recently awarded by an Ad Agency...if all goes well we will both make money off this project and it is a 5 year project. I can't think of anyone I would rather work on this project with

I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
he said to me, "You must not ask for so much."
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
she cried to me, "Hey, why not ask for more?"

One of the people who really helped me this year was my lawyer Annalise, I met her at the studio and we became friends, she has an energy field that is just so good, she draws you in. Annalise helped me deal with some problems that arose and allowed me to run up a bit of a bill....which is now paid. This allowed me to focus on my business while she focused on some of my problems. Her advice was invaluable and she is a trusted friend and adviser.

If I have been unkind
I hope that you can just let it go by
If I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you

Misty was also one of those people who this year helped me quite a bit, working out with Misty is sometimes one of the few things I do just for me, I love it, as a result of working out with her my body has changed, it is toned, more shapely and I have lost 20lbs....but if it was just my body that had changed it would be a little shallow...Misty has become a good friend, she is one of those old souls, young but well grounded. She is enthusiastic, bright and funny....plus uncomplicated....she inspires me with her youth and great plans, one day I am sure Misty will get all she wants in life. In her kind way she kicks my ass.

Like a bird on the wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir

I have tried in my way to be free

My Father has also been a rock this year, what a year. He he lost his wife and best friend of almost 30 years, and was so sad, I would call him and I would cry for him when I got off the phone. He grieved Dianne like I have never seen so close up before. He and Dianne had a great marriage there was obvious love and respect between them, he adored her and had no problems showing it. I spent time with him this year and really got to know him better, he taught me strength of character, he is such a good man. During all this he called me almost every week to check up on me....he dropped in and took me out for dinner or coffee. I kept telling him not to worry but he wouldn't let me not accept his help he just kept calling.

Today I am going to journal on my year and write a list of the achievements and also of areas I need to change on this never ending path to growing up and become a good person.