On Relationships

Today I had coffee with a friend and we chatted a bit about our husbands, the stuff we love about them and the stuff that drives us nuts, it was a good release and a chance to laugh at ourselves.

Marriage or any relationship is never easy it has its ups and downs and twists and turns. Don't for a second think this was a "bitch" session, it was two women talking through stuff. At the end of our chat my friend thanked me for giving her a new perspective, and since we usually give others the advice we need, I was helped too.

Years ago I heard that it is the qualities you love in a man when you first meet or start dating, that will later drive you nuts. This popped into my head during my coffee chat and I found myself laughing on the way home at just how true this statement is.

There is stuff of course you can't blog about and I am so very careful never to write anything that would embarrass my husband, I have been married twice and had a long term relationship from High School into my mid twenties... I have been in a relationship since I was 18.

So I thought it would be fun to take the things I liked about these men when we first met and translate them into the things that eventually drove me nuts. I want it to be clearly understood that this is done in fun as in the end I know that the problem is always with me and not them.

So here goes.

What I liked What drove me nuts

He was high energy and fun He woke up like the Ever Ready bunny and never slowed down, I wanted to pull his battery out

He was great in bed All he ever wanted was sex

He was neat He drove me nuts about being neat, he talked about it c constantly, nagged me daily.

He was charming He was charming other women behind my back

He was a great talker He talked non stop and dominated every conversation

He bought me great gifts These gifts were tied into his guilt over the other women

He was handsome He knew it and was always trying to get me to improve my appearance.

He was a hard worker He worked constantly and I never saw him

He wasn't as neat as the last guy He is so messy

He was fun at Parties He drank too much and the party never seemed to end

This list is in no way meant to beat up on these men they were great guys who I loved and still remember with great fondness, I just find it hilarious that the very things that attracted me to them were the very things that became so frustrating.

I know that there were many things about me that drove them nuts and I hope that they can have a good laugh about these things and think of me as fondly as I think of them. These men were some of my greatest teachers they held up the looking glass of life and forced me to look at who I really was. I will be forever grateful for the time they shared with me and the amazing memories of love that we shared.

I was told recently by a psychic that I would have one more love in my life and that it would be the greatest love of all. I find that hard to believe because I experienced great love in all these relationships. If someone gave me the chance to go into my past and choose differently I would still choose these men because they have been a part of forming who I am today and today I am very happy.

Can I be average ?

I have been working on a new post for weeks now, based on love and a book I am reading, it never seems to be quite right, at times I re-read and I think it sounds preachy or too emotional. So I keep re saving it and going back to it later.

But this new topic keeps coming to mind today.

It started like this. Last week I called my Spiritual Director, I needed to purge my mind. Confession is so good for the soul....

During our conversation he stopped talking,which is rare for him , and out of the silence came his thoughts..he said "can you accept being average". At the time I just listened as he explained his thoughts, he shared with me that his spiritual director had asked him that question a few weeks ago and it had popped into his mind while listening to me. He shared a bit on his life and we went on to talk about other topics.

But a seed had been planted and soon it began to germinate...in my mind. Can I be average ? Could I run a race and be happy with an average time, could I get an average mark on a test and be okay with it ? What if my looks were average or my yoga studio. Can I just blend in and not crave attention.

The answer is no NO NO No, I would have a really hard time with being average..I am being honest very honest. Maybe I am average and I don't really see it but I am a striver, I try for top marks, I work hard, very hard trying to improve myself and my business. I am an out there personality, outgoing, fun and love to laugh and carry on with my friends.

My spiritual director suggested that being average meant accepting a simple life and I am not so sure I agree with him...I have a simple life...a husband, some dogs and a business, I don't have much drama in my life but it is busy..I love my life.

I need to think more about this average thing, it wouldn't be popping into my mind if there wasn't something for me to learn here.

My sister used to always tell me I was type A, I have always disagreed with her, type A's don't take naps I would tell her, yet, generally I take naps so I can do more or because I have done too much. Yesterday someone else told me I was type A. A type A yoga teacher ? Is this a contradiction ?

So I question myself one more time, in this spiritual journey, when, why and where do I crave attention, am I happy for other people when their stars are shining more brightly than mine ? I will examine this in myself and if I find that truly I am like that I will begin the journey of unwinding some of these things, I will look for the root of this type of behaviour and learn more more about myself.

I love finding out these things about myself because they limit my freedom, they are fear based and so therefore create separation, and the goal of yoga is union.

Spiritual freedom in an inward journey, it is not necessarily found in churches and yoga studios, although it is sometimes in these place that we are nudged. Spirituall freedom comes through self reflection and then change based on the new knowledge you have found.

My Take on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving or Thanksgiving Day occurs has occured on the second Monday in October since 1959, is an annual Canadian holiday to give thanks at the close of the harvest season. Although the original act of Parliament references God and the holiday is celebrated in churches, the holiday is also celebrated in a secular manner.

On January 31, 1957, the Canadian Parliament proclaimed:

“ A Day of General Thanksgiving to Almighty God for the bountiful harvest with which Canada has been blessed … to be observed on the 2nd Monday in October"

Canadian Thanksgiving is a celebration of the Harvest and an opportunity to
give thanks to God for the blessings of the year and the harvest. While I am
far from a farmer (I did grow tomato plants once). It is a very special day
for me because I have lived 2 lives, many years ago a door opened for me and
I was given a second chance an opportunity to make up for some really bad
choices that had led me to a time in my life in which I was very unhappy.



This door at first seemed like a life sentence to boredom. Slowly very
slowly I began to make better choices, make up for past mistakes and learn
to listen to that inner voice that always guides me gently and in the right
direction. Sometimes I felt nervous, I was sure who I would become without
all the old habits and crutches. It was during these times that I started to
find a faith in a God or a Cosmic Energy that I could call on for courage.
And trust me I needed a lot of courage, I was gripped with fear as a young
woman.



I remember one day that inner voice told me to study yoga, the voices in my
head went mad with laughter, they told me I was "too old", "too inflexible"
and just "too plain and fat" to ever become a yoga teacher. Teaching yoga
was for the young and very good looking. The inner voice was steady and
strong though and with the help of this amazing nun who at the time was my
spiritual director I began my yoga studies.



I never intended to teach, it began as a personal quest to learn more and
to deepen my spiritual life. One day another amazing Catholic nun who was my
good friend, asked me to sub a yoga class for the regular teacher who was
heading away for 3 weeks. My inner voice told me to say yes, so I did.
Immediately the monkeys in my mind started leaping about chattering "are you
crazy" "no one is going to like you" " you aren't ready to teach", again I
put the monkeys to bed long enough to get through those 3 first classes, I
was nervous as hell and almost ran out of poses I taught them sooo fast.



Shortly after that I began teaching part time, the first class no one showed
up, the second class one person showed up, the 3rd class no one showed up,
on the fourth class I sat there in this little cabin on the grounds of
Manresa, a Jesuit Renewal Centre, and looked up to the ceiling and said to
God, maybe I was wrong I wasn't meant to teach, I can't keep showing up, if
no one comes tonight, I will take it as a sign, sadly I blew out the candles
and locked up. As I pulled my car out of this long dark driveway a minivan
with 5 women in it pulled up and asked me where the yoga class was, they
were lost. I backed up, opened the door and relit the candles. These women
continued to be my students for a number or years and brought friends. I
became a yoga teacher.



Today as you all know I own a Yoga studio, I teach many classes, certify
teachers and continue to be a student of yoga. My trip to Thailand was
another "big change" for me, so big in fact that the monkeys in my mind were
still chattering at me while I was lined up to get on the plane. This trip
changed me so profoundly I can't even begin to explain. I will return to
Thailand for at least 2 more trips.



So what does this have to do with Thanksgiving ? Today I feel that I have a
full harvest in my life, I have really good friends, a great and very
supportive family, my parents are alive and we have good relationships, a
husband who loves me, kids and grandchildren. As well I have this amazing
business and a sense of community I have never felt before. Truly this
year's harvest has been plentiful and I thank God for giving me courage
throughout the years to create beautiful garden of people in my life.



My thanks to you for being a part of my Havest,

Reaching the 4th

I am a runner, recently I have been back to doing longer runs 15k or more, in a desperate attempt to train for a 1/2 marathon that I am no where near ready to run.

But anyways, I love running, I love running long distances even better then short distances, I love to run slow and get into this steady foot fall and breathing pattern, it just feels calming. I do listen to music but my playlist is carefully selected for positive messages and inspiration. I am careful about what I put into my mind as garbage in means garbage out.

Recently there comes this point in my run where I no longer feel the separation between what we could call my energy and the energy all around me. This used to happen all the time but slowly I lost it.

It began like this, last week I read that St. Francis of Assisi asked a fruit tree to explain God to him and the fruit tree instantly blossomed. Hmmm I thought while I am far from a saint I must give this a try. So on Rosalind Rd I stopped and asked the Goldenrod to explain God to me. Nothing happened.

I started running again and in the next moment a gaggle of Canadian Geese flew up from the same field that the Goldenrod shared, they seemed so close and so magnificent almost like I had never seen Canadian Geese before....I was in awe of not only their beauty, grace and strength but of the colours of the sky around them...in that moment I seemed to be frozen in time, I felt this incredible sense of peace. I continued running and slowly this sense of bliss dissipated and soon I was noticing my sore legs again. Again this Sunday without asking I had a very similar experience this time it started with Chickadees.

To explain it better here is a cut and paste from Osho's book onMeditation

You might not think of running as a meditation, but runners sometimes have felt a tremendous experience of meditation. And they were surprised, because they were not looking for it – who thinks that a runner is going to experience God? But it has happened. And now, more and more, running is becoming a new kind of meditation. It can happen when running.

If you have ever been a runner, if you have ever enjoyed running in the early morning when the air is fresh and young and the whole world is coming back from sleep, awakening – you were running and your body was functioning beautifully, the fresh air, the new world born again out of the darkness of the night, everything singing all around, you were feeling so alive. . . A moment comes when the runner disappears, and there is only running. The body, mind and soul start functioning together, suddenly an inner orgasm is released.

Runners have sometimes come accidentally on the experience of the fourth, turiya,* although they will miss it – they will think it was just because of running that they enjoyed the moment: that it was a beautiful day, the body was healthy and the world was beautiful, and it was just a certain mood. They will not take note of it – but if they do take note of it, my own observation is that a runner can come close to meditation more easily than anybody else.

Jogging can be of immense help, swimming can be of immense help. All these things have to be transformed into meditations.

Drop the old ideas of meditations – that just sitting underneath a tree in a yoga posture is meditation. That is only one of the ways, and it may be suitable for a few people but it is not suitable for all. For a small child it is not meditation, it is torture. For a young man who is alive and vibrant it is repression, it is not meditation.

Start running in the morning on the road. Start with half a mile and then one mile and come eventually to at least three miles. While running use the whole body; don’t run as if you are in a straitjacket. Run like a small child, using the whole body – hands and feet – and run. Breathe deeply and from the belly. Then sit under a tree, rest, perspire and let the cool breeze come; feel peaceful. This will help very deeply.

Sometimes just stand on the earth without shoes and feel the coolness, the softness, the warmth. Whatsoever the earth is ready to give in that moment, just feel it and let it flow through you. And allow your energy to flow into the earth. Be connected with the earth.

If you are connected with the earth, you are connected with life. If you are connected with the earth, you are connected with your body. If you are connected with the earth, you will become very sensitive and centered – that’s what is needed.

Never become an expert in running: remain an amateur so that alertness may be kept. If you feel sometimes that running has become automatic, drop it; try swimming. If that becomes automatic then try dancing. The point to remember is that movement is just a situation to create awareness. While it creates awareness it is good. If it stops creating awareness, then it is no more of any use; change to another movement where you will have to be alert again. Never allow any activity to become automatic.

I can only add to this that I am so grateful that I am able to run again strong and free. And whether or not I am able to run or walk this upcoming 1/2 marathon, I hope that I am able to take pleasure in the day and the event, sharing energy with all who participate.

My Yogic Journey

The past week has been a blur, we have been busy at the studio as well, the Durham Yoga Festival is Sunday, this is a charity event that I organize each year...and yet I feel great, in fact I feel better than I have in years, many years.

It all started with some drinking of bodily fluids, no need to keep talking about it but I noticed the difference within 3 or 4 days. Then last week I signed up for a 21 day Vegan Kickstart and wow, the energy I have right now is unbelievable and I am starting to enjoy the lighter feeling I have.

I remember years ago my stepfather saying that the real reason to be vegetarian was because it was a finer energy. We are all energy that vibrates and the more plant based and raw you eat the better.

So why would we want this finer energy ? To make a difficult explanation easy...we want it to connect better with the energy of the universe. So lower dense energy such as that of the lower 3 chakras is very connected to fear, living for attachments to things (and people), greed, all the things that limit our freedom.

For example the more things we want the harder we have to work to pay for them, the less personal freedom we have as we are tied to our debt and jobs.

The higher chakras are more about your spiritually, your connection to the divine, your wisdom, insight and ability to love (real love not the needy grasping stuff). With this can come a better sense of connectedness and more. ( writing on this topic is just too deep, I am keeping this very very high level).

Other things such as astral travel, and connecting with souls from other planes also rely on a finer energy. Did you know that Helen Keller could hold her hand above a flower and tell you what type of flower it was, she was so connected to energy partially due to the fact that she couldn't see, hear or speak, but also because she was a very spiritual woman.

It's not a coincidence that this has popped into my mind as last night in bed I was reading in my current book (The Energy of Prayer). That prayers to understand this connection as less selfish then prayers for things for ourselves even if we are praying for good things for others and ourselves. Another example, we pray for our husband to stop his drinking, but these prayers often come from selfishness, we really want him to stop drinking because of the way he affects the almighty ME. The prayer is not out of compassion for him. But praying to understand the connectedness opens us up to greater wisdom and can lead us to real love which means no attachments and no conditions. I only love you when you are sober, I only love you when you remember my birthday, I did this for you so I expect you to do this for me. Loving in this manner is very difficult, as it is an emotional roller coaster ride and is not in the end a true compassionate love.

So to tie it all back together, with this finer energy I have been feeling since eating vegan, with it has come a sense of peace and connectedness that I wasn't feeling before, it is hard to explain but I am really into my teaching and just wanting to be where ever I am at the time. I have been waiting to try some stuff I was taught in Thailand such as astral travel and I have a feeling this vegan diet is going to help. I am also going to change the way I pray...I really want to understand the connection better.

Since I have lost most of the weight I wanted to, just maybe 4 to 7lbs to go, I am going to focus my Blog on my journey into practicing yogic philosophy.

So that I can share from my personal experience not from a book.

Namaste

How to Drink Urine

I am coming out of the closet I have drank my own urine....only twice so I am not an expert but I can give you some advice. (I start again tomorrow).

Firstly if someone tells you it that urine has no taste they are lying, it has a taste, a most peculiar taste, that I can't describe, it is not yummy like chocolate, it is not as disgusting as Oil of Oregano, somewhere between the two is the taste of urine.

It is thicker then you would expect almost velvety....not as thick as gravy mixed with cornstarch but thicker then water.

It is not dirty, if fact it contains nutrients your body needs and wants. We Yogi's do not recommend eating feces...that is dirty...so just in case you thought why not make a meal out of your next bowel movement, forget it...that is just gross.

I find it help full to just drink it up fast, like a shooter, I have actually drank worst tasting alchohol.Once in Greece while , on my honeymoon with my first husband, a bartender gave me a drink of home brew made from Artichokes, I couldn't swallow it I had to rush to the bathroom and spit it out. This may have been the first time I wasted alcohol but that is another blog. Urine is not as bad as Artichoke home brew.

It is warm, not hot, but mildly warm...did I mention it is smooth like velvet and kind of sticky, have your touthbrush handy and perhaps mouthwash.

Don't think about it, do the research and then just drink it fast.

While in Thailand I met this guy named Peter, a 30ish American guy from Colorado, he was travelling the Eastern countries studying yoga and meditation, Peter was cute, boyish, very down to earth and he made a ton of sense. He shared with me that he was hesitant to drink urine, but what convinced him was that the people in his group who were drinking urine were clear skinned, bright eyed and that this change occured very quickly. As the last hold out of his group, Peter began to drink his urine and with in must a few days felt amazing. Hearing this from Peter made me think maybe I should just open my mind to the possiblity.

On Being 50 Soon

Seems like these days many of my friends are younger than me, actually quite a bit younger...so I have begun to feel like it may be my duty share with them what to expect when you start getting close to 50.

1) Random face hairs appear....not just on your chin and mustache, weird thick hairs that start to grow out of your nose, cheeks and neck...and generally because you need glasses for the fine print you don't see them until you are in the car and without your tweezers...meaning you are spending the rest of the day wondering how many people are watching them vibrate as you speak.

2) 10:00pm is late...chin dropping, tongue hanging out in front of the TV....late

3) cellulite is not just limited to your bottom and thighs over the years it creeps out towards your ankles and arms...if you are as lucky as I am, your younger friends swear that they can't see it (thanks Misty).

4) sex....while sex is still great...when you want it....and when you can stay up late enough to have it and when all your facial hairs have been removed

5) being told you look good for your age starts to feel okay...the first time it happens it is a shocker, you want to scream what age ? Its like the first time the kid at the meat counter called you Mame and you looked behind you to see if your mother was standing there.

6) I recently had someone describe a friend of mine as an older woman....I thought HEY she is the same age as me.

7) you really REALLY start to look like your parents.... I am a blend of both my parents...my fathers legs...my Mom's..(not saying she reads my Blog).

8) everyone starts to look young to you...you wonder if all those Moms in the grocery store are really old enough to have kids....you wonder if you looked that young when your kids were born.

9) 60+ year old men start to flirt with you and you flirt back....okay maybe not you but I have a "thing" for older men love them.....I married one actually

10) age spots start to crowd out the freckles......

11) everything you do shows on your face the next day...sigh your period of "bounce back" grace is well gone.

12) you start to emphasize with turkeys as you watch you neck resemble one...sigh...

13) and weird but true while all this is happening you thank God you are not 30 or 40 any more