Like a Bird on a Wire

For many reasons the end of the year seems to be one of great retrospection for me...my thoughts seemed to drift to the past year, over and over again....there are some things I am really proud of and some things I am not so proud of...I sometimes wonder how at my age I can still make such utterly bad choices for myself.

Part of my spiritual life is to make amends for past mistakes...a sort of clearing out of the darkness....part of it also is to honor the good choices and growth that I have experienced...it is always easier to focus on the dark rather then the light.

Last week I had lunch with a friend/vendor that I have known for a long time, we are close and he said to me that I have come full circle, that the events of the past year have taught me so much and as a result I am a better person. I wish becoming a better person wasn't so unbelievably painful. This man, Adil, had a very rough year too, for different reasons, yet over the past 6 months he has called to check in on me and has paid me commissions that I have felt I didn't deserve...I would tell him to stop paying me and he would say don't worry I budgeted for your commission, so take it. Those little commission cheques seemed show up just when I needed them. As a result of his kindness I asked him to be a supplier on a massive project I was recently awarded by an Ad Agency...if all goes well we will both make money off this project and it is a 5 year project. I can't think of anyone I would rather work on this project with

I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
he said to me, "You must not ask for so much."
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
she cried to me, "Hey, why not ask for more?"

One of the people who really helped me this year was my lawyer Annalise, I met her at the studio and we became friends, she has an energy field that is just so good, she draws you in. Annalise helped me deal with some problems that arose and allowed me to run up a bit of a bill....which is now paid. This allowed me to focus on my business while she focused on some of my problems. Her advice was invaluable and she is a trusted friend and adviser.

If I have been unkind
I hope that you can just let it go by
If I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you

Misty was also one of those people who this year helped me quite a bit, working out with Misty is sometimes one of the few things I do just for me, I love it, as a result of working out with her my body has changed, it is toned, more shapely and I have lost 20lbs....but if it was just my body that had changed it would be a little shallow...Misty has become a good friend, she is one of those old souls, young but well grounded. She is enthusiastic, bright and funny....plus uncomplicated....she inspires me with her youth and great plans, one day I am sure Misty will get all she wants in life. In her kind way she kicks my ass.

Like a bird on the wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir

I have tried in my way to be free

My Father has also been a rock this year, what a year. He he lost his wife and best friend of almost 30 years, and was so sad, I would call him and I would cry for him when I got off the phone. He grieved Dianne like I have never seen so close up before. He and Dianne had a great marriage there was obvious love and respect between them, he adored her and had no problems showing it. I spent time with him this year and really got to know him better, he taught me strength of character, he is such a good man. During all this he called me almost every week to check up on me....he dropped in and took me out for dinner or coffee. I kept telling him not to worry but he wouldn't let me not accept his help he just kept calling.

Today I am going to journal on my year and write a list of the achievements and also of areas I need to change on this never ending path to growing up and become a good person.

I am officially moved, it has been a long move, downsizing from a 5 bedroom house to the studio space....we have donated tons to charity and unfortunately almost as much to the dump...I have been living at the studio for about 1 1/2 weeks and my husband (Frank) joined me Friday night. It feels right being here, it already feels like less work. Tomorrow we buy Frank a snow-blower and he is set for the winter.

My food has been great, in fact I was down another lb last week, but am once again feeling bloated and puffy, we had several large dinners this weekend and one being a Christmas Party and the other being our move in celebration dinner, in the midst of boxes I cooked a Prime Rib for Frank, with about 6 different veggies. We were in a food coma when the door of the studio opened and our friend Monica popped in to drop off a tray of cookies....it would have been impolite not to try some LOL....and I was hoping the sugar fix would shock my body out of the roast beef coma...but alas I just felt worse...I am not used to eating Beef/Sugar etc....what a price I paid.

I was however saved because earlier in the week my friend Cori-Ann and I had made plans to run, she, thank god showed up because I am sure I wouldn't have had the personal motivation to do it on my own. We ran 7k at a comfortable pace, it was sunny and not too cold. We ran along Way Street in Brooklin which is a really pretty route. After the first 10 minutes by body came out of the food hangover feeling and I felt great.

I have been thinking alot today about the past year, as 2009 ends I find myself in reflection, it was a year of polar opposites, incredible stress and great people coming into my life.

I said to my husband that in some ways it has been the best year yet, I could have done without the stress but as always I learned a ton about ME and knowing yourself is one of the biggest paths to freedom. I wonder if the lessons learned could have been easier but none the less they were important.

I have decided that over the next little while I will Blog about the people who most affected me this year...those people who either directly or indirectly brought learning into my life.

This year more than any other year I have felt great compassion welling up from in side of me, it felt like I discovered something deep inside of me that made me more tolerant and accepting...

How I lost 20lbs

My goal when I began this blog was to lose 10lbs for a photoshoot, I wanted to put that goal out there to the universe as a way of gaining the support that I needed. I didn’t lose the 10lbs for the photoshoot but I have lost it now….10lbs making my total weight loss 20lbs since March or April. This works out to about 2lbs a month…hmmmm isn’t that what “they” say is healthy.

I was reading something on yogic thinking and was reminded that setting deadlines for something to happen is not really the yogic way of thinking.

The theory is, that rather than deciding you want to lose weight by a specific time, you decide that you need to lose weight and need to make some changes in order to achieve the weight loss, the goal is to be healthier. So weight loss becomes a change in thinking rather than a forced event….I have forced myself to lose weight all my life, and it always came back, this time I just changed a few things and the weight came off.

Yoga is never about forcing always about moving forward in small increments, being gentle and honoring yourself along the way.

In fact, I have actually eaten more than I used to…yes more….I have always had this fearful relationship with food, I never really ate enough, nutritionists have told me that but I was afraid of eating more for the fear of gaining weight…..I messed up my metabolism…and paid the price.

Students keep asking me how I lost so much weight, they want the secret…and there is no secret, no gimmick….I just worked out consistently over a long period of time (almost 1 ½ years with Misty so far), I added more running to the mix and added more food, especially I concentrated on more protein, I did not eliminate carbs , I added more protein a huge difference…..for the first time in years my weight has steadily gone down with no jumps up, no 5lb weight gains over the weekend….no binging and I allowed myself the odd treat here and there…all in balance and moderation.

I am still planning on losing weight, I have no time frame or final weight goals, I just want to get into a better weight range….my prime weight that I seemed to be able to maintain in the old days is about 10lbs less and I know I will get there sometime in 2010. If the 2lbs a month continues I will be there in May….no goal...as it doesn’t really matter….my body will take me there if I listen closely to its needs.

In yoga we preach that the body is wiser than the mind, it will tell us when we are hungry, tired, thirsty…etc….really connecting to our body is so important.
I have really focused on that theory, if I was truly hungry I ate….real hunger not boredom pangs….I paid careful attention to my body…when I ate pizza before teaching (I am 2 minutes from a Pizza shop, so it is my lazy dinner), I felt crappy, the food seemed to sit undigested in my stomach…

I always eat before bed time, I come home at 10:00 at night having taught 2 to 3 classes I am hungry, my body needs something, so I eat a bowl of cereal.
I am not waiting for a diet to end this time I am living a great life and taking really good care of myself…this is something that I know I can maintain…this is the yogic way of life.

It has not been the easiest year of my life, in fact it has been a very hard year, but it has been a year of great personal learning and growth...I have changed so much this year, I am tougher but more compassionate...I take better care of myself, there are many changes I still need to make...but I have a feeling I will be led to those changes.

My MoJo is back

When Katie wrote that my Mojo is back I had to laugh, I am 100% sure what Mojo means, I think she is right....it is back, I am strong.

Recently I turned down an opportunity to expand my business, I decided I needed at least a year to do some personal stuff, like run more, lose more weight and not be in constant stress. This was big for me, I usually don't think about stress when I take on new ventures I have put myself under tons of pressure.

While I was out running I connected to my inner voice and that voice said...enjoy...relax..and stay focused...I have the most amazing inner voice that always guides me....I sometimes ignore it and listen to that crazy mind of mine. My mind will always push me harder and further.

In yoga we separate the mind from wisdom...we have 5 koshas or sheaths. The mind and wisdom are not one and the same. Wisdom is deeper then the mind, closer to the divine.

My yoga teacher uses an anology that I love. She says that the mind is like a snow globe that has just been shaken, flurries everywhere, yoga is what settles these flurries so that once again we can see clearly.


I have found that running has that same affect...often while I am running an answer will pop into my mind....to a question or situation that I was thinking about...but unsure of how to proceed.

I am looking forward to spending 2010 focus sing on healing from past stresses, taking amazing care of myself and planning my trip to Thailand.....

My business is doing well and I am really going to focus on the studio, as it seems to be this magical place where I meet amazing people. They just walk in the front door and become my friends...

On weight side, it has stayed the same for about 2 weeks but my bad food habits have been creeping back in...I have eaten Pizza 2 or 3 times in the last couple of weeks, I have been slacking, not planning and not grocery shopping for good food. I am going to focus back on the basics and see if I can knock off a few more lbs.

Breakfast Today
Brown Rice wrap, organic banana and peanut butter.
Run 6.22k
Snack - 1/2 mango protien shake.
Lunch - spinach salad, grated cheese, crumbled egg, spinach, mushrooms, bean sprouts.
Dinner - roast chicken, mini red potatos, carrotts, all roasted together...

Last Nights Run

I am a runner, I have been for years, sometimes I have run a lot other times I run just a bit, in the 12 years I have been running I have never missed more than maybe 2 weeks.

I used to run 1/2 marathons, and then when I got busy with my business I scaled back to shorter distances....no matter what, I ran once a week just to keep my body connected with running...last spring I decided to run more again....I needed it back in my life..... running makes me feel young and alive (generally).

Unfortunately it wasn't as easily done as I thought, my weight was up from not running, I had Adrenal Fatigue which made for some very tired days....so getting back into running has been quite a struggle...I think it has helped my adrenal fatigue and definitely it has contributed to my almost 20lb weight loss...

I must say as always the rewards come after the investment. For the last 6 months running has been a forced discipline, trying to get back what I had lost....it was hard...especially since the vertigo in August. Since August I had a couple of colds, some SI joint pain, and of course a hugely busy season at the studio.

I wondered if I was every going to feel that sense of freedom I even wondered if maybe it was time to give running up and move on...I am 49 and feeling some of the affects of aging.

It is back...... the last couple of weeks my running has been amazing...the old sense of freedom has returned.

I run for me and I run for the connection it gives me...last year I read 5 books by Osho...in his Meditation book Osho wrote that running is one of the best forms of meditation, it raises your vibrational level and is rhythmic and calming...runners experience a connection with the universe..or what Osho calls the 4th dimension....sometimes they don't even know it, I have had tons or really neat experiences while running.

Last night was one of them...the full moon, the cool air made for the perfect running night, I could have run for ever....I felt alive...most of all it was the company running with a couple of neat women who are really starting realise the power of running on their soul....over the years I have taugth hundreds of women how to run..I love it...I love their stories, I love the power it seems to give them...I believe that running for many is healing, that Samskaras are released and that leads us one step closer to freedom...if you stick it out.

Cori Ann is one of those people, she shared her story last week of having Type One Diabetes since childhood and how that affected her as she was growing up...the fears and restrictions a disease can put in your life....last night she ran strong, having battled blood sugar issues in the beginning and the mental discipline it takes to get out the door, she had a great run...faster then her last 5k and easier....no matter what happens with her running she will never be the same again...

I am grateful to have had the opportunity share last night with Cori Ann.