I can't publish the name for this Blog, there is a bad word LOL

I was totally inspired this week by a someone's else's  Blog. In that Blog he said he prayed "please God help me not to be an asshole today".  I loved it.


It made me think about the day I realized I was an asshole and the journey since then.


Change can only come when you realize you need to change, a lightbulb or spiritual awakening, a moment when you realize that you are the problem, not the world, not your parents, your partner, your kids, your boss etc..


I speak for myself when I say that the first half of my life was all about Sheree, maybe even the first two thirds of my life. Then one day forced into seeking a new way of life I joined a spiritual group at a Church,  I still attend that very same group almost 19 years later.


 The first several months in this group were interesting to say the least. I just didn't get it, I liked being there and the people were nice enough but...I didn't get it.


Then one day my first husband turned to me and said, what is it that I can do to make you happy ? It stunned me, was I a bitch ? difficult to live with ? I had no idea. 


Since then I have had many, too many moments when I realized that I was the problem, stubborn, hardheaded, tired, bitchy, unfeeling, pushy...the list goes on.


So that day I began the journey into become a part of society, learning to work with others and trying hard to be more patient.


So each morning and sometimes during the day I have this simple prayer, please God for today help me to be compassionate, patient and more loving toward the people in my life. It rare that I pray for more than that unless I prayer for others to gain strength during their difficult times.


I figure it this way, if I connect better with others and love them more, I will care enough to look at their side of the situation, not just mine.  Somedays it is hard, I feel the old asshole inside me wanting to speak,it wants say something un-retrievable, remember you can apologize but the words are still spoken. I am usually an asshole when I am tired, those days I keep my mouth shut and breath. 




Thank God for yoga. Yoga  gives me the tools to deal with myself, and live in somewhat harmony with the world. The quiet, the breath, self study...tools to calm the raging self centered thoughts.


I hope that you too had that moment when you realized you were an asshole...it is one of the greatest moments of my life and I hope i never forget it.

The other person has to be different, distant, a mystery that invites you to explore.  With two mysteries meeting together, once they drop the idea that they have to agree on everything, there is no question of any fight.  The fight arises because you want agreement.

osho

Spiritual Band-Aids...

Hearing a speaker you tell yourself that he is correct when what he says is consistent with your thoughts. to other things you say that it is not so because it disagrees with your thoughts. So you are not truly listening but only lend your ear to what agrees with you and strengthens your opinion. The rest, that you don’t care about, you ignore and forget.

Osho

Someone recently said to me...I guess you wanted that to happen to you so you attracted it to you..I looked at that person, smiled and  tried to breathe away some unkind words.


 The times we live in are interesting, people are heavily influenced by the law of attraction or their version of karma and they run around quoting spiritual Band-Aids and saying things that they don't really understand. 


I have had many teachers in my life, if fact most people I have interacted with have taught me something. But one of my favorite was Bill Wilson,  we dedicated the studio to him and Sharon Miller.


Bill is a Jesuit Priest, I worked with him at Manresa, a Jesuit Spiritual Renewal Centre. I loved Bill, he was quiet and unassuming and deep, so very deep. In just a few words he could sum things up or present a concept that would rock my mind. I could listen to him for ever, he spoke slowly and carefully and actually very little.


One day I was debating with Frank, the subject of God, really what I was trying to do was to help Frank see  things my way,  as if it is my role to convince Frank he should think like me. Bill overhearing this conversation said five words,  stop trying to define God. I was blown away, because I knew that is exactly what I was trying to do, create a definition of God and then use that definition to be superior to others, to set rules, to show people where and when they had gone off the path. Since then I have tried really hard to let God define his presence in my life. By doing this I create less separation from others, I can listen openly to others experiences and share my own. God for me  is experiential.


If you think about what Bill said and the role he played in his life, you come to see how deep his comment really was, how outside the confines of religion he had stretched. Please don't take this comment as negative towards religion, I love religion. But in my life I have found that God is bigger than religion and not as definable as some of the churches try to make him.


Bill was training me to be a spiritual companion for others, he said that one of the most important things was to not put a spiritual band-aide over a gapping wound. And that is what I have tried to do with myself and with others since. 


What is a spiritual band-aide ? It is a saying or slogan said usually without really listening or much thought.. Here are a few that I hear all the time "things will get better", "you must have attracted this to you" "one day at a time", while none of these are wrong, things always do get better, and yes you must try to live one day at a time. Rarely is it appropriate to say these things off the cuff, while your friend is bleeding emotionally and needs someone to listen. 


We are a society that rarely listens to each other, I know this to be true of myself, in the old days and sometimes still I would listen only until I got the chance to talk myself. As a spiritual companion I was taught to sit quietly and listen, breath and let the person talking, talk. Imagine how hard this could be, not jumping to conclusion or uttering a spiritual band-aide in the hopes of being wise or helping that person. The best way I could help that person was just to listen, then continue to listen and then listen some more. In fact that very act of listening has such a healing power, in this world where people feel lonely and disconnected they crave someone to listen to them.


I too sometimes need someone to listen to me as I sort out the cobwebs in my mind. 


While I was in Thailand last year I attended a lecture on Karma, it convinced me of how little I really know about the  cause and affect of my attractions and how they interact with the cause and affect of the actions of others. I think it the end it takes a life time or many lifetimes to even begin to understand Karma. So as a student of spirituality I prefer to listen and to encourage, and I try hard  not to use spiritual Band-Aids to cast blame or make myself feel wise.

This Place I am In

My life has had it's ups and downs, in many ways it has been an interesting life, certainly at times it has been very difficult. My Swami would say this is my Karma, actions from this and past lives that must be purified before my soul can rest and stop the cycles of rebirth.

My minister may say that God is testing me, testing my faith as I go through difficult times. Can I stay true to my God and my belief system ?

I am never sure where I stand, I realise that most of what has happened to me is the result of my choices, choices that I made 10 years ago, 2 minutes ago and so forth.

Over the years I have changed alot and I like who I have become, that is the gift of my journey, I actually like myself. The years of eating disorders, smoking and other stuff behind me. I find myself in this peaceful place where I don't need outside stimulants as often, to make me happy. I am happy sitting quietly in my office or TV room, just breathing and being. I drive my old Saturn and I feel like I am in a Jaguar, I feel so strong and purposeful.

Last week during a conversation with my husband, he was pointing out what he thought was a flaw in me, he was doing this kindly, trying to help me understand a couple of situations.

That flaw as he saw, was my generosity, he said I needed to be less supportive, because at times, it seems like the people you help the most become your greatest foes. I said to him that true, this does happen but to turn off a very part of me that I love, would be like cutting a chunk of who I am out, I would prefer to suffer the occasional hurt, which I can overcome, than to be someone else.

You see, it is my actions that are important, not the actions of others, and realising that you can't control the results of your actions is one of the keys to happiness, you can't do good to expect a reward, or praise, sometimes in fact your good deeds will go unnoticed or unappreciated. Does this mean you stop doing them ?  I remember as a kid that we were told do good deeds that no one knew about, I can't recall the whole story, I think I was taught this in Brownies.

My spiritual director always says "Sheree just do the next right thing" and let life unfold. I love that expression, so now in this place I find myself, I plan on doing the next right thing which is to do some yoga, eat well, rest and heal.

I know that I am grateful to the many people in my life who have helped me, particular  Brian and Frank, who guide me on the path of understanding.

As I write this blog, I look forward to my next yoga retreat and a possible trip to Thailand or Mexico to continue my studies at Agama Yoga. I realise how important these trips are for me as I re energize myself.

I also came to this realization that I like being 50, it is a great age, and I am so glad the younger, insecure and often ego driven years are behind me.

Lighten Up

In an effort to lighten up a bit I thought I would write on the some of the things that were said to me in the last year that either made me smile, laugh, wonder how their inside voice actually got out, or just generally thought was super kind.

1. "I wish I had your thighs"...Katie said this to me, I was dumb folded, I have had large thighs since puberty hit...I have had compliments on my eyes, hair, personality and even my breasts, but never my thighs...I was once told it was a good thing I had such strong thighs, as if I married a farmer and the ox died I could pull the plough.

2. "You have a pretty face I would have like to have seen you when you were younger".....omg....there is just nothing to say to this one.

3. I was recently told by a student that she hopes she looks as good in tights as I do, when she is my age...LOL...will I ever again receive a compliment that doesn't end in for your age.

4. Misty told me if I were a dog I would be like Muggins (my female golden)...Muggins is like the most amazing dog, not in your face, loving but not overly so....just a great energy.

5. I wish I could run as fast as you....LOL....calling me a fast runner is  hilarious, I am not slow (just in case Katie reads this) I am not fast...I don't even like running fast, in fact if I get all winded when I run I slow down...yuck to be out of breath

6. My husband started a statement with remember when you had bushy hair...bushy hair is that a compliment or an insult...was it on my head ?

7. I male friend told me how lucky Frank was to have me.....I could only laugh...he should see me first thing in the morning when I am tired and cranky or when I have pms...I think luck is a 2 way street

8. Another male friend told me I was a goddess....hmmm goddess of sleep maybe, sleeping is my favorite thing to do or the goddess of eating sushi, eating and sleeping are high on my list of fave things....but goddess hmmmm

10. An amazing member of the run club sent me an email telling me how much I motivate and inspire her, it was super kind, but all I could think was running with her is such a great experience that I feel inspired by her positive energy.

11. It's safe there are no cars....LOL..was it Katie or Misty who uttered these words during a roadside break?  Just in time for me to pop up and flash...a passing car...at least I got a honk.

12. A friend recently told me she read an article about women who exercise too much and she thought of me...hmm obviously she thinks I exercise too much. Could it be that I own and operate a yoga and fitness studio ? Oh yeah and a run club.

13. My grandson told me he wanted to call me Sheree...loved it

14. Someone finally after all these years asked me how old Frank was compared to me...it made me smile...Frank thinks he looks my age, fed by all the compliments he receives on how good he looks "for his age" he has convinced himself that we look the same age. When in fact is is 13 1/2 years older, born in the 1940's while I was born in 1960.

15. Last week I had no less then 5 compliments on my bum...hmmm not bad "for my age" my fave one was from a professional I see (no names) who told me my bum looked great in my jeans....I of course now wear those jeans every visit to see him...LOL...some of us get older in body only. In fact I am going to put on those jeans in 10 minutes to go out with my Mom, I will have to see if she has a good bum too.

Okay gotta go, lunch with Mom and I need to style my new sexy hair do.....

Some Very Rambling Thoughts on Attachemnt

Abhyasa vairagyabhyam tat nirodhah: These thought-forms are mastered through practice and non-attachment.

Non-attachment enhances/determines the success of every spiritual practice: Non-attachment is a most essential part of the yoga sutras and their practices. The less attached you are to everything, including the result of your spiritual practice, the more solid the ground you progress from will be. You will make steady and quick progress if you remain non-attached to the external objects, subjects and results. Attachment disturbs the mind, non-attachment makes it serene. Serenity and clarity of mind is what we want to establish so that we can move beyond the mind.

I woke up this morning thinking about attachment the yoga sutras ask us to avoid attachment, as it is the cause of unrest in the mind, as well attachment affects our karma, in order to stop the cycle of death and rebirth one of the things we must do is avoid attaching ourselves to the outcome of our actions.

Practicing non-attachment is difficult, but so necessary for a happy life, people often say that the only thing guaranteed in life is death and taxes, but this is not wholly true,  change is also guaranteed, nothing stays the same, we change, our friends change, our spouses change, our jobs can change in what seems like a moment and so can our lives.

Yesterday while teaching at the head injury association a man told me that he went to bed a business man, with a job and a sharp wit, and woke up paralyzed, he had a stroke overnight, and two years later is still in a wheelchair, with limited use of one arm and struggling to be understood because his speech was left slurred.

A couple of years ago, he was angry and yesterday I could really see how much happier he was, he had let go of the attachment to his old life and had accepted his situation, not passively by the way, he is now fighting for the rights of others in wheelchairs and others with speech impediments. Clinging to his old life would only keep in anger.

When I study the sutras or other spiritual works I rarely study it from an intellectual perspective, that is not my "thing", many people love to quotes dates and passages from books, but for me I study from a personal perspective. So when I wake up thinking about attachment I wonder how it is affecting me today in my life and if through my sadhna I am become a better person.

Attachment was probably one of the biggest things I suffered from as a younger woman, wanting everything to be the same clinging to relationships like I was clinging to a life preserver, internally crying don't leave me or I will drown, love me or I will just drift to the bottom of the ocean forever lost.

Today I feel less like this, as deeply as I love my husband I know I would be okay if one day he came to me and said he was leaving, not to say it wouldn't hurt, but I know I would be okay. Being in this state is amazing, it allows me to love him but also just to be me, not timid hoping he will love me more if I do this or that for him.

Then I think of my profession do I attach myself to the image of a yoga studio owner ? Do I attach myself to the results of my teaching ? Am I only a good teacher if lots of students show up ? Is teaching yoga a "numbers game" .

Do I attach myself to my things, am a buying into trends, like Starbucks, Lululemon or hot yoga. Or am I living my life truly doing the things I enjoy, not the things that are trendy right now.

All my life I have been seeking freedom, as a young woman I sought freedom in a variety of unhealthy ways, and through rebellion against being perceived as conforming. I wanted to be different. The choices I made brought me less and less freedom over time.

Today I seek freedom through yoga, through the practice of the 8 limbed path. Freedom is not a physical state, freedom is mental, every day while in prison Nelson Mandela ran on the spot, he refused to allowed incarceration to take away his freedom. Yet attachment does just that, it strips you of your freedom as you cling to what is not necessary. Am I  ready to sit in a cave, and mediate, no way, but I try to live in a state that says all will be well without all that I have.

Many times I have said the greatest path to freedom is getting to know who you are, where are your attachments, what characteristics cause you the most separation with others. Is it pride, ego, shame ? Then when you find these things you work on letting them go, changing them and developing your positive aspects. If you can't see these things in yourself ask a good friend, if they love you they will tell you in a kind way.

One of the first things I was told on this spiritual journey I embarked upon 18 years ago was to let go of the results of your actions, as in the end you can't control the world. Every seasoned runner knows this, you can train for a great race and try to set a personal best or win the race, but it may not work out. You could wake up not feeling great, the weather could be horrific, you could get an injury mid race and there could be a surprise opponent in the race. Yet isn't having trained for and run the race more important than the results ? Are you your race time ? If so then you will be continually unhappy as a runner, always checking your performance against your Garmin. I rarely run with a Garmin any more, only when I am doing a long run, this helps me to move away from the attachment to the results and focus more on how amazing running really is and how it makes me feel like a kid playing. I feel freedom while I am running I feel energy and connection.

So with that written I am heading back to bed for my morning nap, and for anyone wondering why I haven't been blogging lately it is because I have been injured, and in quite a bit of pain, just getting through my day has been enough. My creative juices were not flowing as I struggled to work and live my life with a back injury. 

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We will find the key to our liberation only when we accept that what we once did to survive is now destroying us.

Laura van Dernoot Lipsky

This morning while I was looking for a something inspirational to finish off a powerpoint presentation, I read this quote and instantly tears well up in my eyes. I sat quietly and thought about my life and knew this to be true in a way that I hadn't before understood.

I can look into my past and wonder why I did some of the things I did, how for years I smoked, drank and did other things, but this quote tells me I did them for survival.

My habits and ways of behaving which could have been thought of as bad were actually the tools I had at the time to survive without them I might not have made it. So in a way at the time they were good. Just like the yin/yang symbol which has a circle of light in the dark side and a circle of dark in the light side.

While I am generally grateful for my past as it has made me who I am today, I don't think I really understood the concept in this quote.

As a young woman I was full on secret fears, insecurities and battle the five afflictions of yoga. Many times the only thing that seemed to settle my mind was a drink or a cigarette, or a night dancing in a bar, a new boyfriend or a long gossip session with a friend where we destroyed the character of one person to make ourselves feel better. Temporarily these things made me feel better, they created calm and even a sense of self confidence. Later of course like all destructive habits they became the chains that bound me to unhappiness and loneliness.

Over the years I have had to develop new tools for survival to replace the old ones, and as they were replaced I began to experience Moksha or liberation from self, a sense of calm quiet strength, that pervades each cell in my body.

These tools of change I share with you today in the order of their importance in my life.

1) Prayer - whether you believe in God, that we are all Buddha's or that there is just some sort of power greater than yourself. Prayer works it connects us to the energy that we all share and draws to us the answers we need. Over the years I have mostly prayed for courage, wisdom and patience...not much more that that.

2) Yoga and Meditation - both release serotonin into the brain a feel good chemical that helps combat depression anxiety and more, Both are the pathway inward to self discovery. How can you obtain freedom if you don't know what is holding you back ?

3) Reading, reading, reading, I have read hundreds of books on spiritual topics, at the end each day when I retire to bed I read. Right now I am reading Living Buddha, Living Christ. A well written comparison of Christianity and Buddhism, in just the first 5 chapters I have learned a little more about myself.

4) Support, I hang out with people who think like I do, and who are looking to evolve.

5) Exercise, yes this is a huge part of my life, no matter what, if I am not exercising I feel shitty inside, my self esteem plummets and fear creeps back into my life.

6) Pranayama - breath control, I using simple yogic breathing techniques to give myself time to react in a more positive way. When I feel impatient I slow down my breath which gives me time to think rationally and hopefully not open my mouth and say something I might regret.

7) Acceptance, when agitated with another person, place or thing, I try to accept them as they are right now. Wanting someone or a situation to change creates monkey mind. I try to go with the flow of life.

8) Nourishment, I try to nourish my body and mind with healthy food, garbage in garbage out, I just feel better when I avoid sugar, caffeine, high fat foods, my body processes natural food better and I have more energy.

9) I honor my marriage, I spend time with my husband out side of our working together, we encourage each other and are best friends. We laugh alot together.

10) I try to keep an open mind and not think that I know all, that way I can accept new ideas and grow from them.

11) I never buy into my own press, life has its' ups and downs, you can be a sales god one day and then down the next. In my business I get tons of complements I thank people for them but I don't wear them like a shawl of pride. Pride is one of the 5 afflictions and can cut you off from people.

12) I remember where I came from and that all change has come as the result of #1 on my list, prayer for wisdom, courage and patience.