More of the Same

I often blog about change, and the reason I write about change so often is because change is so frigging hard. We know we need to change, and yet the years go by and nothing changes. I was reading this book on Buddhism the other day and it mentioned an expression that resonated with me, the expression was, “more of the same”. I love little slogans and sayings that I can use in my own life, to help straighten out my thinking. One of my all time favorite saying is “this too shall pass”. But “more of the same”, it’s a good one. Type it, enlarge it and pin it to your fridge, our computer, your bathroom mirror. Add a question mark to it?

More of the same?

We all get into these habits, some good, and some bad. In fact our brain creates neural pathways that make these habits feel easy and comfortable. So to change we actually have to rewire our brain. I’ve heard that it takes about 30 days to create a new habit. A few months ago I decided to get up early before my husband and spend more time in mediation and thinking. I lasted about a week, before something came up, I missed a day and then missed the next, and soon I was right back to my old ways. More of the same! Now I have excuse of course, my husband is ill, I am working longer hours, I’m taking care of him, driving him to appointments etc... So of course I don’t need to change. But in the end they are just my excuses. Time is something we make.

Ask yourself this, are you exactly where you want to be a year from now? Or, ask yourself this, a year ago did you think you would still be here? Or, did you imagine yourself fitter, maybe thinner, happier perhaps? I love the women I run with, the reason is, they take on challenges, they feel fear, but they literally run through their fears.  They are stronger runners and have more confidence this year than they did last year, they have grown mentally through their dedication to goal setting and training for races. They all have busy lives, kids, jobs that take them out of the country and more. 

Life has a way of moving along and soon we look in the mirror and realize we are older sometimes we think it’s too late to change but it’s never too late. This week I was inspired by this story of the 64 year old woman who swam from Cuba to Florida without a shark tank. It was her fifth attempt, she started working on her goal in 1978 (25 years ago) and it took her 46 hours to complete. 

As she came out of the water she spoke these words of advice.

 "One is we should never, ever give up.

Two is you never are too old to chase your dreams.

Three is it looks like a solitary sport, but it's a team," 

She inspired me to contact someone to discuss a goal I have, one that I thought I would be closer too but that I realized I needed help to achieve. I am excited to have brought this goal forward again. Reading her success story coincided with an epiphany I had while running alone in the trails on Sunday. I received a clear message about the direction my life needed to take.

Change is hard, and when I think about the past changes I have made in my life, rarely have I made significant changes on my own, I have had tons of help. I have used personal trainers, run coaches, spiritual directors, pastors, friends, employers and more to help me on the journey. These  people had faith in me before I did, they were people who said “you can do it” or pushed me just hard enough that I kept going and growing. I am so thankful for these people and most of them are not in my life right now. As the old saying goes; people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Lately I have being thinking a lot about a boss I had years ago, I am never really sure how he put up with me. I was young for my age emotionally, new to business and made so many mistakes, some big, some small. I overreacted at times, I cried in his office and I couldn’t write a business letter for about 3 years. In fact, I still remember the day he read one of my letters and said “it’s good”, I felt like I had reached a new level. I was passionate about him, I thought him brilliant and when I sold for his company, I sold him. I loved him, not in a sexual way, but in the way you love your mentor. Looking back I see he showed me showed great compassion,  he had tons of patience and I learned so much from him. When I left that company I grieved the loss of that relationship for years. He was in my life for a season. I will always think of him as one of my greatest teachers.

Years ago I wanted to leave my first husband, I was afraid of making that move, so I went for counseling, after about 6 months I gained the courage to  make that change. The counseling helped me to see that my fears were unfounded. I was totally capable of looking after myself. In fact I was looking after myself, my daughter, my household, my husband, my career, I was in school. I could do a lot. My  counseling ended I left my husband and opened the door to a whole new life. My counselor was in my life for a reason.

Another person that really helped (s) me is my spiritual director; he is crusty and honest and cuts through all my bullshit. Sometimes when I talk to him I think holy cow is this guy physic? I call him and start talking and soon he is responding and telling me what I need to hear. He amazes me and helps me to be totally honest with myself, no justifications are allowed. He has been in my life 8 years now. I love him and best of all I know he loves me; I hear it in his voice and through his words. For me love is such a great motivator.

Through the years, I have had a team of great people who have guided me to lasting changes, I don’t think we are meant to be alone, we are hard wired to need people and so often we fail because we don’t reach out for the help we need. Or, when we do reach out we reach out to friends who care about us but can’t really help us, or we reach out to friends who are stuck where we are, there is comfort in being stuck with others.

Sometimes we give up too soon, next time you are about to give up, ask yourself this? Have I been trying for 25 years, have I been stung by jellyfish, threatened by sharks and lightening. Have I thrown up in the water?

So what is that you want or need to change? Where are you going? Forwards? Backwards? Are you struggling in the swamp of “more of the same”? If so, who can help you find the way? Figure it out and getting going. Invest in yourself. Life is short, ask my husband as he battles cancer one more time, how important each day is. He face more major surgery next month, he still has staples in his belly from his last surgery. Today as I write this blog he is mopping the floors. He is one of the most amazing people I know, his positive attitude and his ability to bounce back is incredible.

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” John Wayne

Years ago when I was dating my husband we would walk at Rotary Park in Ajax, in the late evenings.  I loved these walks; we would talk about life and stuff. I always knew I would marry him one day. During these walks there spot along the path where the forest was lit by fireflies, it seemed magical ti . There were probably other bugs around but these fireflies were so beautiful, I wanted to be around them, to just stand there and watch them. Find the fireflies in your life follow them; enjoy them, and maybe one day you too will light the way for others.

 

With Love,

Sheree xo

People like us

“People like us we’ve got to stick together, hold your head up, nothing lasts forever”.

Sung by Kelly Clarkson

Written by

Meghan Kabir, James Michael, Blair Daly

I just recently heard this song and felt an instant connection to the lyrics. I would imagine a lot of people do. It reminded me my childhood and how I really struggled to fit in. I felt lonely as a child. So lonely in fact that I became convinced that I must have been adopted. I felt my parents were aliens or at the very least I felt alienated from them. Over and over again I would search their bedroom looking for my adoption papers, never to find them. I would sit at the dinner table silently thinking “who are these people”?  I learned to adapt and deal with these feelings of isolation by faking things. I kind of lived like Dexter saying and doing what was right but secretly feeling like the words were empty and wondering what all the fuss was about.

 I think a lot of people feel like they don’t fit in at some point in their life, for me it was my younger years, but some people grow old feeling this way, or have a period in their life when this occurs, often it occurs during a job you really dislike. Just for the record, I no longer feel this way, I feel connected and loved and truly blessed by the many caring people I have in my life.

Maybe you are feeling this way now and if you are, you are not alone, countless people are feeling it too, but they are hiding it from you. People hide their disconnect in a variety of ways, many become overachievers, some give up, others accumulate things, some become difficult or angry people, others compensate by becoming caretakers to others, doing more for others then they do for themselves.

We hide from people because we don’t feel safe. Secretly we are afraid that people will find out we not perfect? Truthfully no one thinks you are perfect anyways, so giving up that illusion is a great step towards freedom, we see your faults and love you anyways.

 I am not naive I know we can’t truly let our walls down with everyone, but I think we need to step out from behind the walls, with some people.  I have a very small, very intimate circle of maybe 4 friends that I am completely open with, I love them, I know they love me and I feel safe in this love.  You need this too, friends who you can trust, who love you, who don’t see you as perfect but don’t really give a shit anyways. And as the song goes “people like us we’ve got to stick together”, so be that kind of friend back.

We all have a story, I have mine you have yours, and somewhere in this story we have  all experienced deep pain. An abusive childhood, the death of a parent(s) or loved ones, accidents that have left us dependent, spouses have cheated on us, the list goes on (insert your pain here). So with this in mind I think it’s important that we treat each other with greater compassion, in all situations, try to step into the other person’s shoes and look at life from their perspective. 

I know a man that hit his kids; he was an abusive father and husband. His words and fists caused great pain and damage to his family. No one could understand why this man was like this, by all outward experiences he was smart, handsome, and successful, yet he had this darkness within. Years later, he sought help and he shared with me his story. How, as child his angry father had beaten him, his siblings, and his mother. How, as a little boy he had hid in the barn for days without food, waiting for his father’s rage to subside. How he swore he would never do to his family what had happened to him, and the shame and sorrow he felt when he realized he had become his father. He lives to this day still trying to forgive himself; he is now a loving father and grandfather. He has not been forgiven by all he harmed and he lives with this knowledge. He also has seen the damage in his children, the seeds of darkness planted from one generation to the next. 

I know a woman who was a nun, left the convent, lived on the streets or Toronto, doing whatever it took to get by. Who today stands as an example of hope released from darkness, she helps others by sharing her story. There was a time when people walked over her, past her, and thought her worthless. Today she travels the world bringing rays of hope to others. These are stories of redemption but not everyone finds redemption in this life.

If I could be you, if you could be me
For just one hour
If we could find a way to get inside
Each other's mind

Elvis Presley

Where does yoga fit into all this? Each and every thing I have experienced has left an impression (samskara) on my subconscious mind these impressions cloud my thinking and often limit my life. I always compare samskaras to documents on your hard drive, you’ve deleted the file from the directory (conscious mind) and you think they are gone, but they are still there on your hard drive (subconscious mind) taking up space. So my past forms my current thinking. It’s so important then to look at the past examine it and then let it go. This happens during my consistent yoga and meditation practice, memories just float to the surface, and as they do I am able to see them, examine them, let them go, not judging them as good or bad, but rather seeing how they have affected my life.

While we can hate the actions of another person, it is best not to hate the person, hatred in the end is like an disease that eats away at us.

My wish for you is that if this is one of the times in your life that you are struggling, feeling alone, or just wondering if there is more to life, that you will realise you are not alone, we have all been there.

So I end this blog to a link to one of my favorite songs by the band Everlast, the song is called; What It’s Like. The song is full of coarse words so if this offends you don’t listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlF1qnhmq28

How do you eat an elephant ?

Life is messy, I am imperfect (so are you), and you know what? There is never going to be the perfect time to get started on making those changes, or setting those goals. Your mind (the ego) will always tell you to wait until this or that happens, to make changes, to begin to follow your dream.  Your “monkey mind” keeps inventing excuses as to why now, is not good a good time to make changes. So…once again to quote Nike, “just do it”. Your mind should serve you not vice versa. Just today I was telling my husband that it sometimes seems like more than half my thoughts make no sense, so I am constantly ignoring, overcoming and laughing at my random thoughts.

I love Robin Sharma, I read something he wrote almost every day. To quote Robin, change is messy, it can be chaos in the beginning, but eventually the changes you make today will become your future normal. 15 years ago I was a pack a day smoker and I didn’t exercise at all. Today I own a yoga and fitness studio and a day without some sort of exercise feels like something is missing.

Expect extreme chaos, doubt, feelings of insecurity, a sense of not being good enough, all of these will surface, but keep going, change is awesome. In my life I have felt, I was too old, too fat, not educated enough, not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough etc… I have worried that my past was too difficult to overcome and that I would never feel like more than a misfit in the crazy world. At times these thoughts seemed like insurmountable mountains, but they were not, each step I took showed me that these mirage like thoughts were not real. There is an old Indian proverb it goes something like this; how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. This proverb to me means that when something seems too large to overcome, you just need to take little bites at a time.

Change makes you stronger, gives you great insight into yourself and opens your mind to new ways of thinking. Change is expansive.  I know an organization that makes their employees change their positions within the company every 2 years, this must be chaos at times, but what it does is allow each employee to grow, empathize and ultimately creates a team environment where no one person has control.  Here is a quote I first read years ago, I use it sometimes when I feel doubt, or when I am making changes.

“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.”

― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

I love this quote because change is self discovery and honest self knowledge is freedom. Inside all of us are these prison bars I will call fears, these fears seem so real to us but they are not real, they are simply self imposed bars that keep us from reaching our true potential.

What if I try and I fail, what will people think? What will happen to me?

I have failed often in my life; not reached a goal, not gotten a relationship I wanted. In my business not all my ideas have worked out. I was fired once, I have suffered depression and I have been divorced. Some of these were huge disappointments to me at the time. But looking back I can see them as door ways to freedom through self discovery.  I have often read that one of the keys to success is your ability to make fast decisions, good or bad, and then to move on from the ones that don’t work out. In others words, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep trying. If you had seen my epic fall last year in the Haliburton Forest trail race last September, you would have seen me, slip on the mud, land on my back, roll to my knees, look for blood and then keep going.

Last week I said to someone I was glad a serious of events occurred in my first marriage, because these events forced me to change. I could have stayed it that marriage, we didn’t fight very much, it was comfortable, but I wasn’t in love any more, truthfully I felt dread in that marriage, dread is an awful sensation that we are not meant to live with. Taking the risk of leaving my first marriage was super scary, I feared loss of income, loneliness, and I wondered if I was ever going to be married again. I wasn’t sure I would be able to take care of myself. But I took that leap into the unknown and today feel like I am married to my best friend. Just 2 weeks ago I was driving along Rossland Road and I saw my ex-husband walking along the street holding hands with his current wife. It made me so happy to see him obviously content, looking great with a woman that loves him.

About 20 years ago my older sister told me she wanted to go back to school to study theology. Both her and her husband went to bible college full time, while raising 2 young children, she graduated with honors and was class valedictorian, her house was sometimes messy, and it was hard at time. But today, she is senior minster in a church. She is gifted at what she does, and helps so many people. What if she had said not now, I am too busy, my kids are too young, I think I will wait. Maybe just maybe she would have missed her calling in life.

A woman I know lost about 100lbs; she was in her late 50’s at the time. Then she left a 35 year marriage, her husband was an alcoholic, she then moved in with her daughter, and went back to school full time to be a psychologist. She was easily 61 at the time she enrolled in school. Today she is happily remarried (to a great guy) and working in her chosen field. Some people thought she was insane. Who leaves a 35 year marriage for the unknown? She did, because deep down she listened to the quiet voice that told her that there was more to life than what she was experiencing. Was it easy? Hell no, it was messy and at times emotional but she took baby steps forward and followed her heart. Sometimes you just need to have faith and trust your intuition.

A lot of the time we are waiting for other people to change, thinking this will make us happy. This is a snow white complex, we think one day, someone will save us and we will then live happily ever after. Trust me, I have thought this way, if only my partner would do this or that, then I will be happy. But this disordered thinking, leads to bitterness and lack of responsibility for our lives. More and more these days I see how my destiny has a lot to do with the choices I make, blaming my misery on other people is a cop out. In my past I have blamed society, my parents, my husband, and even bosses for my discontent, then slowly I came to realize that the one common thread that all these people shared was me, I was the problem, my thinking was askew and needed to change.

This is one of the reasons I love yoga, it’s not about the postures, it’s about the quiet I find while I practice, often while doing yoga I get this sense of the strength, or I hear that quiet voice from within. My first yoga teacher used to say that you don’t do headstand to do head stand, you do headstand to gain the courage it takes to do headstand. Then one day you will find that you do something that needed greater courage then you normally have, and this courage came from your yoga practice. I have seen this to be true, yoga has given me courage, stripped away disordered thinking and given me a better sense of who I am. Today I feel like I am truly doing what I was meant to do, I no longer wonder why I am here. Long ago I accepted I was here to serve the universe in this capacity and I love it.

So I guess to conclude I am trying to say change doesn’t have to be big, it can be as simple as enrolling in that art class you have been thinking about, it can be hopping on a spin bike to start your weight loss journey or it can be getting up a little earlier each day to meditate. Small consistent changes are the key to great success. Years from now you will look back and see you have come so far.

With Love,

Sheree xo

The Source of Happiness. Guess What ? Its not your scale.

I have a student (who will remain anonymous) who I chastised recently for how she dresses. You may think this rude but let me assure you I did it in a very kind way. The problem is her clothes are too large for her; she buys the size up because she has put on weight. She used to wear a small, now she should wear a medium but instead buys a size large and her clothes hang off her. You may think there is nothing wrong with this but here are my thoughts. I believe that there is a disconnect between her mind and her body. She thinks she is larger then she really is and needs to reconnect with herself. She is gorgeous, full of life, great energy and has a larger than life personality, and doesn’t really see it. She hides behind these ill fitting clothes, ashamed of her body.

What I really want is for her to come to is a place where she dresses how she wants too, no matter what her weight and size.

Buy the fabulous clothes now, don’t wait to lose weight, life does not have to stop while you reach your goals. You know what? If you lose weight you can always have them altered, I have had tons of clothes that I loved, made smaller.

Does size really matter? Not really. Happiness is and always will be an inside job. What’s happening in your head is what matters, I have been overweight and underweight in my life and neither has contributed to my lasting happiness.

My weight fluctuates up and down about 6lbs, depends on the time of the month, moon days, god know what affects it sometimes its water retention. If I based my happiness on my weight I would be sad quite often. Even my size is not consistent, generally I wear a size 8 but manufactures differ, so sometimes a size 8 is too big or too small. Also my weight differs by scale, yep, I weigh more on my trainers scale then I do on my scale. Obviously my scale rocks.

You know that little square thing with numbers (your scale) it will never be the source of happiness?

I can step off a scale being thrilled with my weight and then walk into a room and criticize my husband, leading to a fight that leaves both of us feeling bad for awhile. I can be within my “goal” weight range and be a disaster to work with, hard on people, critical and unyielding, therefore causing I and the people around me to feel unsettled.  So is my scale truly the source of happiness? No its not. We think we will be happy when we weigh a certain amount, and briefly (very briefly) we will feel elated, but this is not happiness.

Happiness is never with us 100% of the time; unless I guess we reach Samadhi (bliss). For me happiness comes and goes. Generally I am happy, I have a good life and good relationships in it. At times I become discontent and when I feel this way I try to figure out what is happening in my life, generally it boils down to accepting someone or some situation as meant to be, even if it means accepting myself for who I am.

This morning I read a great blog written by a photographer, in her blog she wrote about people (primarily women) not getting pictures taken because they believe themselves to be too overweight. She wrote about how sad this is because years later you will look back at the pictures fondly as memories of great times, and others will look at the pictures as keep sakes of those they love. No one will even think about your weight. People love you, they don’t love your body they love your soul.

Have you ever been asked to pose for a picture and grabbed one or all of your children and pulled them in front of you to hide your body? Or, gone to the back of a group because you thought you were fat? I have. I have also torn up and/or deleted pictures of myself that I hated. Back in the days of getting prints from film, I would rush to the photo shop to get the pictures first, so I could tear up the “bad” ones. I remember being furious at my step mother for putting what I thought were hideous pictures of me in a photo album.

The shame I have felt over my body weight was debilitating at times, a prison that kept my true nature (love) from shining.

Today I still struggle with self image to a small degree, but I don’t allow my thoughts, which can be random and crazy, control me, no matter what I get up and look in the mirror I tell myself how great I look, I dress to be attractive (in case the paparazzi are following me LOL) and I do what I want. I refuse to let weight, age or my monkey mind dictate my life. I take yoga classes with women who are ½ my age, and a lot thinner, if I find myself comparing I close my eyes, slow down my breath and allow myself to connect to my deeper layers. I admire their beauty, bless them and thank god I am no longer young. Being in my 50’s rocks, with age and my Sadhana (daily spiritual practice) I have come to a place that I really like. A bit more self confidence, some peace of mind, and deep gratitude for the many amazing relationships that I have.

So I guess what I am saying is, let yourself shine, stop thinking you are your body, feed it well, exercise it but it is no different than your car, a temporary vehicle that you need to keep in good repair, your body  serves you not vice versa. Remember you are more than your body. You are a speck of the divine. People love you deeply, some think you are amazing, your kids think you are a goddess and your husband does too.

Here was my mornings Sadhana it changes a bit each day but I hope this helps.

Read and journaled about a few of the yoga Sutras.

Listened to Arnold’s, 6 laws to success (my trainer recommended this).

Went for a walk (it’s amazing out)

Listened to a few chapters of an audio book (The Art of War) that a student recommended.

Yesterday morning I read some of the yoga sutras, and then went to a yoga class.

For a copy of my Happiness Pocket Guide email me at sheree@livewithspirit.ca

With Love,

Sheree xo