My Life to Date

  I've heard it said that life has it ups and downs that it can be like a roller coaster ride, and old friend of mine used to say "hang on to your hat on the way down", as she would laugh. I have always loved that analogy as life can be very much like that.

In my corporate career as a sales person I was once the best sales person a company ever had, in fact 10 years after I left that company, no one had beaten my record. At another company I was fired for not meeting my target, in fact I got nowhere near my target that  year, it was like I had fired my arrow in the opposite direction. So, was I a good sales person or a horrible one, and more importantly what did those experiences teach me.

Each one was a great teacher. To be the best carries a burden, trying to stay there is hard and the praise that comes with being on the top can be giddy at times, at times you wonder how you got there, can you stay there, will they see through you, do you deserve this success. When on top I learned to stay calm, not to take myself to serioulsy and most of all, to enjoy the brief time in the limelight with grace and humilty. To be the top salesperson means you have a seriously good team behind you, you don't get to the top on your own.

Ah. but to be on the bottom that's a whole different feel, constant pressure from sales managers, unreturned phone class from clients, loss of income, with this comes a whole different kind of pressure. Can you be in this situation and still truly believe that you are doing your best, that you are good enough, that things will (and they will) turn around. Can you stand tall when everyone knows you are on the edge of losing your job ? Can you feel equal too the people around you who are on the top

My career in sales was such a great teacher for me, I am so glad I had that experience, often today when things are happening in my business I can look back to a past experience and know where I am. On the way up or on the way down, or even just coasting for awhile.

My career in sales taught me the following about myself, I am tenacious, hardworking, generous, persistent to a fault, I care about my clients, and need to love what I do and the team to perform well, I can't fake it. It also taught me I am horrible at conflict resolution, I avoid conflict like a turtle, and only deal with it when someones rips the shell off me, I can be impatient and impulsive and need to slow down a bit. I can also not appear gratetful to the team because I am already on to the next project, it can be hard to keep up with my fast mind.

But what a blessing to know myself so well as  it is the truth that sets you free and until you know who you are you are still imprisoned. So off into the world  I go generous, impatient, loving, impulsive, passive, tenacious, hopefully you will meet me when one of my good qualities is shining but if you don't come back tomorrow as I could be a totally different person.

Lifting the Veil

Life is not easy for anyone, or maybe I am wrong, maybe it's been easy for you. In my life I have faced many challenges, some of them brought on by other people, "random acts of badness"  you might call them, some brought on my own difficulties in dealing with people. My fears rubbing up against your fears can sometimes make for bad relationships.

 Years ago I took a yoga course and the facilitator asked us to look around this room, she explained that each person in this room has survived an event or situation so horrible that if you knew what it was, you would wonder how they had coped with it. It is for this reason that acting out of compassion is always the best choice, we know not what the person next to us is struggling with. We also don't always know how these events have affected us and continue to affect our actions day in a day out.

We not only wear a mask to hide our true selves from each other, but we often wear the veil of the lies we tell ourselves, our self justifications and our denial.  It really is a lifelong journey to get to know yourself, even just a bit.

I believe that the mask is  the Armour we have created one to protect ourselves from others and that  we wear the  veil to convince ourselves that we are not the problem. We say to ourselves things like,  I'm okay it's other people, we can even find friends to validate this thinking, they will lie to us, saying exactly what we want to hear.

Lifting our veil is not so easy, we are a society that honors masks and veils. Yet, my studies of yoga and other spiritual traditions would tell me that deep down I am perfect, I have no ill intentions, I am good, in fact I have a piece of the divine in me that just needs to be revealed. But getting to that inner goodness is often a maze of lies, self denial, and protective thinking.No one wants to feel vulnerable or exposed.

So why are we so afraid to be real to ourselves to say hey I have a problem with anger, or why does envy keep making my relationships so difficult. I believe we fear the unknown so we cling to our habits as they keep us in the safe box of our lives. What would happen to us if we change ? Fear of change is huge for most people including myself, we lie to ourselves and say we like change but really it frightens us, we stay in bad jobs, and relationships way too long, clinging to the sameness of it, telling ourselves well intentioned lies.

I have told myself many so many lies over the years that when I first began my spiritual studies, I wasn't sure what was the truth and which were the lies.

I can honestly say that getting through my veil has been an amazing journey, I know who I am and I like who I am. I have stuff I need to work on ( more stuff is always being revealed to me),  but at this stage of my journey I have enough past experiences to know that cleaning out the debris brings fresh energy, new ways of thinking and new directions. 

Recently a phsyic  told me husband that my lack of trust has caused me to miss many opportunities, and that the lack of trust stems from my past. I was stunned, I said no way, I have dealt with my past, I am open. My husband looked at me with a kind smile.

So as I end this blog I am going to meet a stranger for coffee, one who thinks he has a great business opportunity for me, normally I wouldn't trust someone who said this to me, but today I am going to stay open to new people and new ideas as I discover how to trust more and most of all trust that I can handle any situation.

It is said that a person's eyes are the gateway to their soul

It is said that a persons eyes are the gateway to their soul, by looking deeply into someones eyes you can often feel that soul connection. Often too you can feel their sadness .   I sometimes see great sadness in the people I know and love and I wish I could wave a magic wand and take it away from them, but the truth is, happiness is and always has been a choice you have to make. It's like the game show The Price is Right, when you wake up in the morning which door are you going to  choose ? The one that leads to happiness or the door(s) that lead to resentment, anger, envy or some of the other afflictions of the mind.

We live in a society where people go to great lengths to look great, and spend very little time nurturing their soul, developing happiness, contentment and other positive attributes. Mostly because I believe we have not been taught how to live a spiritual life. The schools don't offer it and for many the churches don't offer it either.

I recently heard on a radio  and advertisement for a website, the commercial was suggesting that you could hold a door open for someone to restore their/your faith in humankind. I listened to this incredulous commercial I  remember thinking as  that I have never lost my faith in human kind, i have doors help open for me all the time by the young, old. men, women and children. I am always grateful when someone holds a door for me, it is an act of kindness that I love. I would personally think if you need to restore your faith in mankind you need to look within and find out why you are so negative, there are kind people all around us, the world has it's problems no doubt, but look at all the great people trying to do something about it. 

The world has never been perfect, there is no going back to a better time, we are living in better times. This is why I love the quote "We are the people we are waiting for", it is a reminder to me that I/you can make a difference right here and now, we don't need a saviour or some great hero to do it. It is our responsibility, look at the story of Rosa Parks and know that anyone can make a difference.

I love the times we are living in, yes there is war but war has existed for a long time, but we live in a time of better acceptance, I get excited when gay couple gets married or when I see them being affectionate on a street, I was raised in a time when gays hid who they were, I have lived in a time when racism was rampant and open, men were allowed to hit their wives and children were beaten as a form of discipline. I for one, do not want to go back to the those days. Maybe rather then thinking we need to go back to family values we need to focus on the new family and what values we currently hold as important.

Every time I see a mixed race couple I remember how hard it used to be for mixed race couples, when I was 18 I dated and fell in love with someone who was not Caucasian, it was 1978 and I was  taunted on the streets and stared at on the transit system,  some family members and some of the parents of close friends shunned me. I remember being told I didn't  have to date him, as I wasn't fat or ugly, as the common belief back then was that only ugly white girls dated men of other nationalities. We were just two teenagers in love. Today I live in a community full of mixed race couples.

So it makes me happy when I see how far we have come, and I love that more and more people are becoming spiritual seekers, they are looking for something deeper, a better connection and they are flocking to Yoga and Buddhism, 12 step groups and more. Recognizing that you need a deeper connection is I believe one of  the first step towards happiness.

First you must realize that you are not alone, we are all connected and we are not meant to be islands of self sufficiency, we are meant to work, live and be together helping each other. It is when we think we are separate that we  become selfish and selfishness is a disease of the mind that wrecks havoc in relationships.

I have had a spiritual director for about 19 years now, and this relationship is one of the most important ones that I have, this man helps me walk through the maze of my mind and come out with clear, loving thoughts. I trust this man and love him, sometimes he is tough and other times gentle. To be honest he helps me cut through the bullshit of my mind. This important relationship is one of my keys to being happy.

Thirdly I love to read about great people, spiritual books and read quotes. i like to start my day reading something positive, something that will set my day on the right path.

I also work hard at forgiving myself and others, I try not to cling to the stuff that has hurt me, I talk about it, and then let it go.

I eat well, eating crappy food makes me tired and lethargic. I exercise, yoga, running, walking and more, my fit body moves easier, takes less energy and I love how I feel and look. What more can I say, exercise is awesome.

I am openly loving and affectionate with the people in my life, I tell them I love them and show it too.

When life gets busy I plan a retreat, I take time to pull away and be still and connect with God. 

I connect with God every day, I spend time in prayer and or mediation and feeling grateful.

I love my life.

Some ramblings on Acceptence

Many years ago I had a mentor, who used to tell me that the key to happiness was acceptance. Accepting people and situations for what and who they really were. She would tell me over and over again that I needed to accept people for who they were. She often sounded  like a broken record. Could I always be in the wrong ? Was I always my problem ? And yes most of the time I was wrong, I was a serious whiner back then.

Acceptance can be confusing. At that  time in  my life I was married to my first husband and  I wasn't happy. I thought that to accept  my husband for who he was meant I would have to stay married to him.  But I was wrong, acceptance meant that I took a long hard look at the marriage for what it really was, I had to accept myself for who I was and accept my ex-husband for who he was. When I accepted all these things I made the tough decision  to separate. So acceptance was not some sort of prison. it was actually freedom.

This may seem like a weird Christmas message but I really think it's an important one. I love my family I just  feel at peace being around them and I hope they enjoy me too. Many families don't have this, Christmas can be a tense time where families come together out of duty but don't really want to be there. I hate to leave, I prolong leaving as long as I can.

I think family is important, I love that my family accepts me for who I am and the choices I have made. In fact they are really quite good at this.

I have a very blended family, divorces have brought us step kids, step grandchildren,  step mothers, step fathers. I am my husbands third wife, I have been married twice, together we have 6 children, I had a daughter with my first husband and my husband had children with both his ex wives. We have been together now 15 years. My parents are divorced and both remarried, my father is now a widow and is dating my friend. On the outside we would seem like a great reality show. Heading the entire family is my 92 year old grandmother who was married to my grandfather for over 60 years, she is kind of like queen Elisabeth, stable and unchanging. Yet my grandmother amazes me as she accepts  as gay  family members "come out" and marry, and other family members divorce and remarry.

Can we take the unique quilt called our family and appreciate it for it's beauty, even if some of the stitches are crooked ?

There is a lot of love in my family so I guess in the end family does not have to be related by blood but by be love and acceptance.

So tonight I dedicate this blog to my Mom, whom I love. Who now joins us at my Dad's place on Christmas day so that now my siblings and I can spend Christmas with both our parents. What a joy it is to be able to share this sacred family day with both my parents.

I am excited about my life, super excited in fact.

I am excited about my life, super excited in fact.

I have done a lot of work on myself this fall, stripping away old habits, losing a ton of weight and really trying to figure out a few things. As a result I feel amazing. I am thinner then I remember being, I am strong emotionally and I have reconnected with some great relationships, my calendar for the next couple of weeks is booked with lunches and hikes with some of the most positive people I know. People who support and ground me, and who like me.

I took an online course by  Robin Sharma and did a ton of writing, both business and personal, it was well worth both the effort and the cost.

The results are as follows; I love what I do, I love yoga, I love running and most of all I love sharing this passion with people. I love  the studio, it attracts such kind and interesting people, my students inspire me to be a better teacher. I love their stories and am grateful for their support of my dream.

I also love my marriage, my husband is aweseome, supportive, generous, and super fun, he makes me laugh almost every day. I would marry him all over again if given the choice. Through his eyes I see myself, both the good and the bad, He has been my greatest teacher.

I have some great relationships and some I need to change, I have some negative people in my life and sadly I have to move away from them. This is never easy and won't be done with out some sadness..


I would like to spend more time with my grandchildren, they are full of unconditional love that decompresses me.

I need to do more yoga, it centers me and connects me to a divine energy that seems to flow through me when I am practicing yoga. I seem to float through life less attached to outcomes, the opinions of others, other various attachments. I hope to float more next year.

I want to run more too, I have loved running this fall, I am strong and  running is an amazing form of meditation. Running clears  old and negative thoughts from my head so that  new creative ideas can float in.

I need to play more, I work a bit too much, the downfall of owning your own business, in just a week I will be away with my husband at a resort. I need to do more of this kind of stuff.

I am going to ask more of the people in my life, both professionally and personally, I will express my voice more often. I will strive to do this in a loving way.


As part of the course I took I did an exercise that I really thought was great.  I wrote out the 5 things that would make next year the best year of my life, one was physical, one was spiritual, one involved my business, one involved family and one involved adventure.  I have already  begun the journey in some of these areas.
 I know that these things may not happen but the exercise along helped me to refocus on what is really important in my life.

I have shared some of these with friends and with their love and support I hope to embark on the  best year of my life, so bring in 2012 becuase I am ready, surrounded by great students, family and friends.

I love being of service to the universe, and I hope more and more I can get myself out of the way and let the flow happen.

The Choicepoint

Twice this week I read something about what Robin Sharma calls the choicepoint and  both times I stopped and thought hmmm.  I remember several choicepoints in my life.

A choicepoint is that time in your life where you have to make a choice to change or to remain where you are, in that current place where maybe you are feeling unfulfilled, perhaps unhappy or maybe  just comfortable, yet you feel pulled towards something better.

Staying as you are is oh so safe, you have friends, you know what to expect, you are comfortable. But will you really be satisfied, didn't you feel at some point a calling towards something else, that you were too afraid to follow ?

Fear of change is one of the greatest fears we have, in fact its the reason so many people stay caught up in bad situations, like alcoholism or abusive marriages. There is some sort of safely there. If I change what will I become ? 

Years ago I was at a sales conference and heard this story, it is one of my favorite stories to tell.

Three men were held captive by an evil dictator. They faced a firing squad. Before each man was shot he was given the choice, death by firing squad or the green door. Each man looked nervously at the green door and the fear of what was behind that green door was so great, that they chose death by the firing squad. What the men didn't know was,  that,  behind that green door was freedom.

Sometimes it takes great courage to choose freedom

I think about how painful some of my choicepoints were; they involved stepping away from friends, careers, a marriage, habits, and ways of thinking that were so ingrained in me it was like pulling a deep root from my very being. Never have I made a change that didn't terrify me.

In my 30's I made several huge changes, I changed some horrible habits (smoking being one of them), I left a marriage that no one knew was unhappy. Leaving a marriage was one of the hardest things I ever did, my "fear meter" was so high, I would lie in bed sleepless, worrying about this lonely tomorrow that of course never came.  Its so true what spiritual guides say, most of our fears never come true. Fears are like demons that keep us in this prison of our mind stuff.

In my 40's I made career changes, major changes that scared the "shit" out of me, but I knew that I was meant to teach yoga, I just knew it. So I went after my dream and created my new reality one day at a time. My new reality has been hard work.

I believe that happiness is our right, we are meant to be happy. Truly free and happy, I have never bought into the Vedic yogic notion that life is suffering. Bullshit I say. Life is amazing, you can be happy or unhappy but that is your decision.

Last night I was running with my dog Muggins, it was a clear night and we were both so happy, at one point I stopped running just to hug her. She tried to lick my face and wagged her tail. She too was so happy. 

Again I feel I am on the edge of a choicepoint in my life, I have a great life but I know that I have something more to do, as I prepare to make that change, I again feel fear. But I will reflect on past choicepoints and know that change for me has always been a good thing.

I encourage you to not be afraid to change, to take that leap to the next place in your life, step away from the crowd and follow your heart. 

I always think of this saying I heard one day "the majority is almost always wrong". So whenever I am thinking about things I wonder what the majority thinks, and then I investigate other points of view. Only then do I make up my mind, knowing that with more information I may have to change it.Staying with the majority is safe but does it serve your souls purpose ?

Union

Inner peace comes from union, for me it is union with this amazing planet we live on and it's inhabitants and union with the divine consciousnesses that we are all made of.

When I am not in union I am restless. Restlessness in me can manifest in many ways, I can overeat or become irritable, or more typically I begin to feel trapped,  I want to run away. I dream of living at a yoga school in Thailand or living on the edge of a beautiful Canadian lake surrounded by great trees.

Yet I have learned in my 50 years of life that you can't run away, one of my favorite expressions is
"wherever I go, there I am".

As a child I ran away often, at least twice a month, crying my eyes out I would head off towards Kingston Rd, invariably I would realize that I had no where to go, and I would return home out of frustration, swearing that next time I was going to really do it. .I felt like a failure for not having the courage to just go, yet at 10 or 11 years of age, my choices were limited. My parents never knew how often I ran away, being gone 10 minutes did not cause them any concern.

In my first marriage I dreamed of being taken away by a tall handsome stranger (or a rich older man), hopefully with money so I wouldn't have to work so hard or clean so much. This is a common female dream.

While sometimes I may breifly dritt into this place it is rare and at best fleeting.

Lately I have felt great inner peace and really connected to the people in my life. My Mom dropped in and I was overwhelmed with love for her. I saw a picture of my step dad holding his newest great grandchild and my eyes watered out of love. My father is so happy and has met someone who is crazy about him and my heart dances with joy for them both. My husband came home from work today and he looked so handsome, I threw myself in his arms and told him how much I loved him. My brother reached out and stroked his wife's arm and in that moment I was so glad that he had someone to love. A friend kisses her son in front of me and I smile because I felt lucky to have shared that moment with them. I threw a tennis ball across the room for my dog to fetch over and over again we both felt happy. Watching the kids do yoga at the Harvest Festival 6k made all the hard work of opening this studio feel so worthwhile, have Teri by my side helping me was awesome too. Teaching yoga to new yogini's and laughing over the fart story one more time made me smile as I recalled their laughter.

I could go on and on but I guess that today I am glad I am where I am, I am also very glad that this life of mine has become so full of truly amazing people. So Namaste to you all and I love you.